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This may be an unpopular opinion, but I’m firmly against finding a hangover cure. As far as I can tell, the threat of a hangover is the only thing that’s stopping 90% of humanity from getting wasted every night. However, I know most people don’t agree with me so it has become my mission to find out how to successfully prevent a hangover. Luckily, the people over at Healthline think they’ve already got it all figured out. Let’s see.
1. Drink in moderation, or not at all.
Oh, no shit? You mean if I don’t drink alcohol, I won’t be hungover? I didn’t realize this was a list for a bunch of lame-Os. Advice like “limiting my intake to one or two drinks” is the reason everyone thinks scientists are nerds, ya nerds.
Sure, I could hypothetically not take five shots of rail tequila between the hours of 1 a.m. and 3 a.m., but what next? I “shouldn’t” make my Uber pickup McDonald’s drive-thru on the way home? I “shouldn’t” text my ex-girlfriend the lyrics to Usher’s “My Boo” despite her repeated threats to block my number? Get real. You better start giving me tips I can follow.
2. Avoid drinks with Congeners, toxic by-products of alcohol production.
Huh. Apparently, Congeners are toxic chemicals that make your hangover worse. Drinks with high amounts of Congeners are whiskey, cognac, and tequila, and drinks like vodka, gin, and rum have low amounts. So, as I’ve always suspected, dark liquors give you worse hangovers. They say vodka has the least amount of Congeners, but I’d rather drink a straight shot of toxic chemicals than any vodka, so that’s not an option. I will continue to stick with Gin and Tonics as my standard drink and tell anyone that makes fun of me for being basic that I’m doing it for science.
3. Have a drink the morning after.
Hell yeah, scientists! I’m sorry for calling you nerds earlier. You’re are cool in my book. They explain the reasoning behind this with a bunch of long words and math I don’t understand (very simple math), and I gotta say, it seems legit. I mean, I don’t understand it, but it seems science-y and shit.
I’m all for this tip, and I look forward to emailing my parents a link to the study to let them know it’s scientifically sound that I make myself a bloody every time I’m hungover. Sadly, this tip really only applies to weekend hangovers, as I can’t be pounding a morning beer before work after I let a Thursday happy hour get away from me. Or can I? If it’s scientifically proven to help, who am I to argue with that?
4. Drink plenty of water.
God, scientists, I know. I know already. No one on earth doesn’t know that proper hydration helps hangovers. The problem is that my stomach is only a certain size, and I can either choose to fill it with water or alcohol. And I think we both know that I’m going to choose alcohol, every time. I will, however, start buying water bottles and leaving them in my bed so at the very least, I can aggressively hydrate the second I wake up. Or just get a nurse friend to put a black market IV in my arm before I pass out for the night. That’s not a bad idea at all.
5. Get enough sleep.
This might be the hardest one for me to follow, and it’s not for lack of trying. Believe me, when I wake up at 8 a.m. on a Sunday morning feeling like I’ve been hanging in the pit of misery all weekend, the last thing I want to do is stay awake. I want to sleep, but alas, I cannot. I don’t know if it’s my stupid see-through curtains that let light pour into my room, my rampant ADD, or the fact that my body hates me, but my internal timer won’t let me sleep in, no matter how bad I feel.
I have friends who sleep in past noon every day after drinking, and they always wake up feeling refreshed like they slept in a field of fucking daisies, but that’s not who I am. Maybe I should start chasing shots with melatonin gummies? Is that a great or horrible idea? Someone who is a scientist please weigh in below in the comments.
6. Eat a hearty breakfast.
You don’t have to tell me twice, scientists. I’m all about that brunch game. I’m talking eggs bennies, red velvet French toast, and a side of hash browns, all washed down with several delicious glasses of orange juice. What’s that? Of course the orange juice has vodka in it, who orders plain orange juice at brunch like a fucking psycho? Well, yes. I am going to transition to beer, and then eventually back to hard liquor, why do you ask? What do you mean, I’ll just be hungover again tomorrow? What kind of twisted advice are you trying to sell me? You’re the one that said to eat a lot and keep drinking! I know I’m paraphrasing, I can’t remember the exact words, you dumb scientists, I’m already drunk again! Whatever, enjoy your lame breakfast without booze, I’m out here having a good time.
7. Supplements that can help.
This is what I came here for, baby. Gimme them supps. Need them supps. I will put anything in my body that will help me feel better. Ibuprofen? Already on it. Plant-based foods? I mean, the guacamole in my breakfast burrito counts as plant-based, right? Or, like, the orange sauce on the Chinese food I stuff my face with every Sunday? Seems like that would count. They mention something called a prickly pear? I don’t think I’ve eaten a pear in the last ten years, but at this point, if it will lessen my hangover by even 25% I will shove it up my ass if need be. Wait, how prickly is it? Fuck it, I don’t even care. Just cure my fucking hangover. .
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Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
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If you get nausea so bad you can’t even keep water down (like me) activated charcoal before bed should absorb all that nasty stomach acid. You can take it in the mornings too if you can keep it down long enough. It comes in capsules, works like a charm.
Just don’t take it while you’re drinking – I’ve read that those absorbent qualities make it harder to get drunk
Thanks for this. Everyone’s always like “just eat breakfast and drink some water and you’ll be fine.” Yeah 86% of the time I want nothing to eat or drink after a night of hard drinking unfortunately. I’m usually lucky to keep 2 Advil down long enough with the water.
Pedialyte and a multivitamin/emergen-c before bed. Repeat in the morning and drink sprite for the inevitable stomach ache. Water all throughout. Works like a charm.
G2 before going out. G2 on my bedside waiting for me + melatonin to help REM sleep. Wake up G2 and an aspirin. Minimizes the damage to about 20% of what It would be.
I put Pedialyte on my pillow before I head out for the night. That way I actually remember to drink it before I pass out. Besides that I’ve found that the only way to get over the stage 10 hangover is to power through 3-4 beers and crush water for the rest of the day. You’re either going to feel semi normal or go straight back into being drunk.
Morning taquitos from 7-11 with a side of gatorade. Psycho move or nah?
Simply reading this comment gave me the runs
Hope you have a spare pair of pants.
Remember when you sick as a kid and your mom gave you chicken noodle soup and pedialyte? I’ve found that it still works when you’re 28 and hungover as balls.
Here is my guide to dealing with hangovers.
Before bed look around your room to find your half full water bottle you left out. Now drink exactly 50% of the contents. Hopefully this was water and not vodka. Now make sure you change your alarm to something less abrasive (I set my weekend alarm to the theme song from M*A*S*H) and hit the sheets.
Okay in about 2 hours you should wake up and grab your trashcan, just bring it over near you for the peace of mind. Now you can go back to sleep.
Next, once you wake up for real, look to your right to find the hoodie and sunglasses you left out for this scenario. Equip those. Now go find that water bottle and crush whatever is left, remember not to trip over your trashcan.
Then head out to your kitchen (or wherever your keurig is). Get a nice cup coffee going and while you are waiting for the bean juice to finish, crush some emergen-c. Now that you are all juiced up its time to hit the couch. Find a blanket and fire up the PGP app to check out some fresh Duda articles!
I load up on B vitamins right before I go to sleep with about a half a cup of water and it seems to dampen the hangover by about 40-50%. Alcohol metabolizes all of your B vitamins, so you need more of that stuff. Cheers.
I actually just started drinking Gin after a long break away (overserved on G&Ts freshman year of college) and I gotta tell you……the hangovers still suck.
Some friends swear by milk thistle supplements. I have the young Dillon disorder of no hangovers so nothing else to contribute