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Shut it down. Game over. Jared Allen just pulled the ultimate power move of retirement announcements. We’ve seen Kobe’s poem, Marshawn Lynch’s hanging cleats, and hundreds of press conferences, but what’s the best way to ride off into the sunset? Well Jared Allen just showed us.
Riding off into the sunset pic.twitter.com/wZXovseGKS
— Jared Allen (@JaredAllen69) February 18, 2016
Are press conferences dead? Is social media the new way to retire? I guess we will find out. All I know is that Jared Allen just set the new standard.
What an end to a wonderful career. On the field he was a defensive monster that quarterbacks feared. Off the field, he was a legend. This guy had one of the best mullets of all time, even crediting his success to his mullet. Eventually, his wife gave him the ultimatum that he needed to cut it before their wedding. He took tours to the Middle East with the USO, he’s gotten three DUI’s, and he loves hunting (even got interviewed by Field and Stream). This guy was in a Jackass movie! As if we questioned how much of a man he is, Jared went ahead and proved himself with this amazing retirement announcement.
I mean, let’s break this down. First off, I want his coat. It looks warm and it puts off a killer vibe. The cowboy hat just tops it off. He’s on his ranch in Minnesota, which seems like a horrible place to retire, but Jared Allen doesn’t care. If I retired I would be poolside in the Caribbean with a piña colada in each hand, but this guy’s just riding a horse around in the Minnesota tundra. Let’s be honest, Minnesota just sucks. The best part about this video is that there isn’t even a sunset. It’s just 9 in the morning and it’s cloudy. Do we care? No, because Jared Allen is such a man that he still makes it seem like there is a beautiful sunset he’s riding away into. The way he rode away on his horse made John Wayne look like a little bitch. Only Jared Allen could make John Wayne look like a little bitch.
Thank you, Jared Allen. We will miss you. .
Image via Twitter
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The best moment of the mullet years was when the video of him perched in a tree hunting animals with a spear came out online
For the uninitiated:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfmOzW1KEKA
Every time I see the article on the main page, I think it’s about the Oregon Militia. Anyway, I hated Allen until he came to the Bears. But I grew to enjoy his antics. Fare the well.
Hey listen here, guy. Minnesota isn’t THAT bad. The weather is only depressing like 33% of the time.
You gotta sell me better than that, man.
No alcohol sales on Sundays, pass.
Yeah I don’t really have a comeback to that.
Honestly that law really isn’t that bothersome if you live here. You can buy growlers off sale on Sunday from any of the few dozen microbreweries in MSP, or if you’re really desperate you can go to a gas station for 3.2 beer. What’s really fucked is that liquor stores close at 10 and sometimes as early as 8 depending on the city you live in.
There were too many times in college, going to the hockey games, and realizing the game may not get over before 10.
It’s the worst. Perks of going to school in Iowa, liquor stores were open until 2 am, seven days a week. Which I guess was consolation for going to school in Iowa.
So I wake up on Sunday and want some beer/champ/whatever for football or the lake and I can’t just goto the grocery store and get it, that’s pretty shitty in my book.
I would if I could but its more like 50%.