Alright, everyone. Glad to be here, glad to see your shining faces. I know it’s been a minute since I’ve chimed in, but it’s time I make like a politician and absolutely flip my opinion about something mildly important to all of us. I will cut to the chase.
I am 100% done with dating apps.
I know, I know. You’re surprised. Scared, even. Me too. But let me explain.
One year ago, I loved dating apps. Bumble, in particular, had resulted in a fun and exciting new relationship for me. I had next to zero complaints, except the fact that it takes a full 30 days to get your Bumble down after you deactivate your account. But now? Oh. Boy. Now is a completely different story.
I can’t even tell you how much I loathe the idea of these contraptions. Bumble. Tinder. Coffee and fucking Bagel? Is this even real?
I am so sick of the right or left swipes, the bio judgments, the photo rankings… all of it. I am so utterly and fucking tired of the entire online-dating game, that I am swearing off of it. As of today, I’m done swiping. I’m done liking. I’m done messaging. Unless I meet some schmuck at a bar, or a Whole Foods, or an alumni event, I’m just committing myself to being single for a very long time. I tried it again just for a confidence booster, and it’s clear that this is a waste of my precious time.
This year, I’m all about celibacy. I’m all about skin care routines. Matching silky pajamas. Taking my vitamins, working out daily, you know the deal.
To be quite honest, I’ve grown weary of the online dating game. That’s a young man’s game, and I’m on the wrong side of 25 to be acting like that now. It’s time I give up the gun and just try it out the old-fashioned way. Guaranteed I’m going to be a cat-lady (with no cats) until I graduate law school, anyway, so what is the rush? Dating apps are just a bother. They’re wasting my time. They’re wasting these dudes’ time on an idiot like me, and we are all better off just being offline and shooting our shots in real life.
I used to be all about it. But now I recognize that those feelings were misplaced and immature. The marriage rate keeps going down. The divorce rate keeps going up. I think it’s time for me to just look out for #1 and do my own damn thing. Who else is going to appreciate my matching silk and navy Eberjey pajamas anyway? I’ll tell you who: no one.
It’s time we go old school. See you guys on the other side. .