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I write this as a broken man. I feel lonely. I feel betrayed. I feel empty. How could all my friends turn against me? Did none of them care enough to give me a heads up of the calamity coming for me in the future? Nobody wants to be completely blindsided by horrific news on a Sunday morning, but my friends thought I deserved that. I woke up to the worst series of texts ever.
Nick: “Yo I’m going to commish a fantasy football league this year. 12 teams, no buy in, draft at our house.”
Trey: “Like the league lmao”
Delph: “When the fuck did I get ousted as commissioner?????????”
Nick: “Yeah Delph you’re a shitty ass commissioner”
Trey: “What happened?”
Nick: “Long story broseph”
Delph: “I am not a shitty ass commissioner.”
Delph: “I hate y’all”
They never texted back. The group chat went on about something else. I stared off into the horizon contemplating my existence. What had I done? The Thunder Dome was very competitive last year. The teams were fairly balanced. Moves were made. Trades were vetoed, but it was BY THE PEOPLE. Sure, I saw Woodrow and Tim trying to pull off the most ridiculous trade of all time. And sure, I texted a bunch of people in the league to go veto the trade. But that does not make me a dictator, I was just trying to ensure due democratic process. I never made any strict rules. I was a very lax commissioner. I was a role model to commissioners around the world.
We had one rule: make a fun team name. I started the party with Mike Vick in a Box, soon followed by the Big Dick Bandits and Not Without Anal (NWA). Soon some more teams were created with players’ name puns, as we took in Beats by Ray, Luck Her Right in the Percy, My Ball Zach Ertz, and Dirty Sanchez’s Butt Fumblers. One guy went with the classic, Show Me Dem TDs. I even gave out fun trophies like Tebowing for drafting Tebow, The Patriot for drafting a player that was suspended, and Tight Butthole if your TE was the highest scoring player.
It was a good season. The Big Dick Bandits rolled through the season undefeated before pulling a New England and getting knocked out in the championship by Beats by Ray. I figured everyone had a good time. No one ever complained. I honestly thought the people loved me. I thought I was a great leader. I was already gearing up for the upcoming season and planning the draft festivities. Now my whole world has turned upside down.
What did I do to deserve this? Who made the final decision? Did they all vote me out? Was it just a small sect of the league that wanted me gone? They have no grounds for my removal. They have no argument against me. I’m the best damn fantasy football commissioner in the world. I need to investigate. I need to keep the people on my side. I may need to attack back. Nicholas, if you’re reading this, I’m coming for you. Consider me Frank Underwood and you Garrett Walker. You will not get away with this. You will not leave the Thunder Dome. You will never be commissioner. You will apologize to me. You will be placed late in the draft. You will pay for this treason.
All hail Commissioner Delph..
Image via Deadline Hollywood