It’s Time To Declare Dating Apps Dead In The Water

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Tinder was the first mobile app of it’s kind. It was different from online dating sites of yore like and OKCupid in that it almost had the feeling of a video game. Swiping left and right in quick succession for sometimes hours on end was not out of the norm when Tinder came onto the scene, and one could say things in this app that they wouldn’t normally say to someone who they were trying to court in person.

Throw something at the wall and see if it sticks. That was the motto for my friends and I when we signed up for Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, and any other copycat dating app that came out around 2013 or 2014.

When these apps were coming up nothing was more popular. Meeting potential suitors organically at a bar or at a farmer’s market was not totally out of the question, but if you were looking for dates, the best way to do it a few years ago was using a dating app.

And then somewhere between last year and now the hype surrounding Bumble, Hinge, and Tinder died down, much like Jim Harbaugh and the Michigan Wolverines.

People started wising up. They got sick and tired of swiping left and right and having the same conversation over and over again. We knew back in 2013 or whenever it was that you finally caved and downloaded one of these apps that they were a crap shoot.

I have friends who are now married that met on a dating app, but for the most part, these apps were a failure of epic proportion. So let’s just say you’re on Bumble. The girl has to message the guy first on Bumble, and instead of asking some inane question about who the guy would marry, fuck, and kill, she simply says “sup.” Pretty solid opener in my opinion. But a majority of the time, what happens is a conversation that dies soon thereafter she says sup.

“Not too much, just cooking dinner you?”

A non-response is pretty common after that. Radio silence. The majority of the time, a conversation with a match ends soon after the first message is sent, and making plans to get dinner or drinks often never happens. On rare occasions it’ll get this far:

“Hey there. Noticed you’re into snorkeling. I was just in the Cayman’s last summer doing that same thing”

“Yeah I’ve actually only been that one time but I was in a bikini looking skinny so I put it in my profile lol how is your week going?”

“Ha yeah all of your pictures are pretty great… would you be up for a drink this weekend?”

“Yeah! Just text me Friday or Saturday I don’t have much going on 555-555-5555.”

We all know what happens in this situation. You got the number, congratulations! Now all you have to do is text her. But guess what happens? You start drinking with your buddies on Friday night and you forget all about that number, or you’re thinking about it but decide it’s just easier to not text her. 9 times out of 10, a date never happens. Dating apps are what we log into when we’re bored. But I say no more.

Slowly but surely, I think people are realizing what happens on these apps. It’s just a tease. A way to keep you occupied while the world crumbles.

That’s admittedly a little much. I don’t think there’s a government conspiracy to keep the youth in the dark by inventing dating apps, but it’s certainly not helping anything.

The comments from our older siblings, cousins, and parents in the peanut gallery asking us why we waste our time on dating apps finally started to make sense. Bumble, Hinge, Tinder? They’re dead. Nixed. Caput. Get rid of ‘em because the only thing these apps are doing is making your thumb a little bit stronger.

You’re not getting any better at dating by having empty four response conversations with people through your phone. Ditch the app and get your ass to a watering hole like the old timers used to do it.

If you want a want a shot at love, you’ve got to go out into the jungle and cast a net. You’ve got to talk to people in real life, whether that’s at the bar, in a grocery store, or in a line at a hot dog stand at three in the morning drunk out of your mind.

Dating is not and never will be a hopeless endeavor. But banking on finding the right person for you on an app where we’ve all said some really deplorable shit is. It’s a fool’s errand, and it’s high time you got rid of all of them once and for all.

Image via YouTube

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail:

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