It’s Time To De-Skank The Workplace




I am by no means a fashionable person. When I hang up my laundry to dry, it looks like the grim reaper stopped by my place and asked to use my washing machine. I also find a few things I like and wear them until they look like borderline hobo attire, even though I have a walk-in closet that I can’t walk into because it’s full of stuff that I swear I’ll wear someday. I will, I promise. I’ve said all of this about how I’m not a fashion expert to say this: there are some things that even I know look ridiculous. If I’m going to look horrible, it’s going to be because I couldn’t find a single shit to give that particular morning, didn’t put on eye-makeup, and am trying to pass off black yoga pants as slacks under a sweater. I do not want it to look like I really tried, yet still fell way short of presentable for public viewing. Some things women wear in the workplace, make me wonder if they’re A) color-blind, B) desperately seeking attention, and/or C) hoping that someone walks in with a stack of singles and “makes it rain” on them. If any of the following are things that you do, don’t take it personally. I’m sure you look fine, or do you? To kindly ease you in, I’ve ordered these from least bothersome to “Are you freakin’ serious?”

First let’s talk about leggings. I will preface this by saying that I love leggings. I wear them way more often than I wear jeans. I can be spotted wearing them in lieu of pants, but that’s probably because I’m still wearing them from the night before. It’s fine to substitute this fine apparel item for pants. Girls love them. I hear guys are into them too, but just not at work. Friday and Saturday night, or any night at the bar in between, rock any form of tights you’d like. I don’t care. However, when it comes to work (a non-casual work setting of course), most companies have dress code regulations against this anyway, and is it really that hard to just throw a skirt on with them?

Next I’m going to address makeup, specifically bright, red, over-applied lipstick. If I see this on a weekend night, I’m just going to assume you’re on the prowl, then giggle to myself because I don’t know any guy that wants that shit all over his face. If you’re doing this at work, well, I have no idea why you would. It will at some point end up on your teeth, and hopefully you have a nice work friend that will let you know, because you’re really just asking for it. A more natural approach always looks better at work. I’ll admit, I wear a lot of blush at times, but I’m like one skin shade above albino and need it in attempt to not look ill. Oh yeah, save the smoky eyes for the weekend too. You don’t want your coworkers thinking you hooked up last night, then wore the same makeup to work.

This tip is simple: if you have big boobs, find a shirt that doesn’t look like you hand-cuffed those babies with a bra and are holding them prisoner in your shirt. On the flip side, don’t let them flow too freely either, unless it’s the weekend, then do what you want.

Now it’s time for my number one workplace apparel faux pas: hooker heels. I’ll be the first to admit, I couldn’t walk in these things without falling down and/or severely injuring myself if I tried, but just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Once again, on the weekend, please feel free to show off your spectacular balancing skills and endurance for pain, but during the week, find a shoe that doesn’t look like you’ll be heading straight to your evening “gig” after work. This includes, but is not limited to: platforms, full-patent leather, anything taller than a four-inch heel (and even then, be careful), and open-toed shoes (this one is a personal attack, but really, not at work).

Observe some of the Fox News girls. These are educated women. Some of you may not agree with their views, but that’s beside the point. I know Fox News thinks glamming these girls up for the camera and having them show off those long legs (which trust me, if mine were that long, I’d never wear pants, ever) attracts more [male] viewers. However, they can say the smartest thing on the show that day, but as long as they are wearing those ridiculous fake eyelashes and patent platform heels, it will most likely not get taken seriously. These girls’ “style” will eventually run its course, but Jackie O’s will not, or for a present-day reference, see Olivia Pope from Scandal.

In summation, classic looks earn respect and get you promoted. The rest is for prowling adult establishments in your free time.

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After stretching college out for 9 years, McMagistrate is now an attorney in her late-ish 20's who earned her title by embracing the stigma that accompanies a healthy partying habit. She enjoys showing off her sub-par golf game and pretending her impressive law school loan doesn't exist. You can likely find her on her patio, live-tweeting her wine binges, and concerning her neighbors.

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