It’s Time — The 2017 Wedding Season Diet Is In Full Effect

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*wakes up, lifts head from pillow, plants feet firmly on the ground, sniffs in the warm spring air, exhales audibly*

Ah, Wedding Season. It feels so good to be back. But let’s just literally and figuratively cut through the fat because we’re already behind schedule. We’re in an all-decks-on-hand situation because we’re already months behind schedule. Before we know it, we’re going to be begging bartenders to pour us shots against the father-of-the-bride’s will before throwing up mediocre plated dinners praying the bathroom attendant can’t hear us (even though he can).

With Wedding Season comes The Wedding Season Diet™ — because you’ve spent the last six months drinking beer, eating comfort foods, and using the shitty weather as a crutch to do absolutely nothing.

Last year’s Wedding Season Diet™ included the following:

Tailor, Tailor, Tailor: The best pick-up line is a tight pair of Dockers and an ill-fitting suit will make you look like a slob.

#NoDinnerWeekends: Healthy? No. Effective? Uh, I don’t know, why don’t you talk to my waistline that went from 36″ to 34″?

Abstinence: If you’re going to be physically hungry, you have to be mentally hungry as well. Models and bottles go hand-in-hand, and champagne is high in sugar so you have to do away with all of the above.

Get Tan: If you can’t tan it, tone it. No one’s looking at your roll when the contrast between your stark white dress shirt and perfectly bronze skin is awe-inspiring.

The “Old Man Body” Diet: Banana for breakfast, protein bar for lunch, small meal for dinner. Vodka only. People are saying it’s the new Whole30.

But like any other diet, Wedding Season Diet™ isn’t a one-size-fits-all lifestyle. With age, changes must be made to make this drastic change suitable and attainable for the common man. Which is why we’re going to implement some changes and make some clarifications that will lead us all to the promised land. And by “promised land,” I mean “necking with bridemaids in the far corner of a country club that you’ll never afford to be a member of.”

Let’s get nasty.

Zero Exercise Allowed

We’re off to a late start this year, everyone. Which is why we don’t have time for the crock that is exercise.

I understand there may be some confusion surrounding the notion that we’re all going to trim down without mixing in some cardio or knocking out a set of mountain climbers. But please realize that being “skinny” and being “healthy” are complete opposites. If your intention is to be healthy, you’re telling me that you’ll be RSVP’ing for fish instead of steak while drinking soda water instead of top-shelf open bar scotch. Exactly. I’m hearing crickets.

If you’re attempting to look like Season 7 Chandler Bing instead of Season 6 Chandler Bing, you can’t be bulking. Emaciation is key when you’re trying to fit into a tuxedo that could’ve fit you in high school. Curls are for the girls, but resting is the best thing. No one can see toned muscles underneath a sport coat, so what’s the point of having them in the first place?

Furthermore, exercise just breeds injuries. You can’t be kicking your legs in the air mid-‘Shout’ when you’ve got a slipped disc from doing deadlifts per your buddy’s recommendation. Stagnation is key when preparing for the big games.

Plan Your Surroundings

Everyone has a friend who’s circling the drain. In this case, that man is your best friend. If you’re working the room with someone who’s completely let themselves go, you’re immediately going to elevate from looking like a skinny-fat 6 to a “you’re looking great, bud!”

Trying to find a seat on the groom’s side? Well, sit directly next to your buddy who just got dumped and went on a three-week bender that’s left him puffy and undateable. You’re at Table 23 while he’s at Table 22? Switch the name tags and plop next to him while he desperately slugs back vodka-waters and gets second servings at the buffet. When you finally start talking to the apple of your eye, talk about how hard it is seeing your buddy so raw in the wake of whatever life devastating event that took place.

If you surround yourself with trainwrecks, you’ll be the de facto best worst case scenario.

Beard Up

You know who looks tight in a tuxedo with a beard? Leonardo DiCaprio. You know who’s dated Naomi Campbell, Gisele Bündchen, Bar Refaeli, Blake Lively, Erin Heatherton, Kelly Rohrbach, and Rihanna? Fucking Leo. You know who has a garbage body that no one talks about? Uh, yeah, Leonardo Di-fucking-Caprio.

Your double-chin is your drunk friend struggling to get in his Uber. You? You’re the beard attempting to cover up the mess that is your entire life (and double-chin). Beards are the socially acceptable facial crutch that will take you from zero to a 7. Maybe even an 8. You think it’s a coincidence Leo always has a beard when he’s partying on yachts at Cannes? Nah, it’s because he’s mid-bender with the face to prove it. Weddings are essentially the working man’s Cannes, so get out there, grow a beard while you still can, and get drunk enough to where the bridesmaids look like the supermodels Leo runs through. It’s the American way. .

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Will

Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.

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