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Let’s gooooooooooo. You heard me. I said, “Let’s gooooooooooo.”
It’s Royal Wedding SZN and I’m fully torqued. 4 a.m. Central Standard Time on Saturday, May 19th? You can find me with a flute of Veuve in my dark bedroom with my English Springer Spaniel snoozing at my feet. I might even put on my one-size-too-small Wayne Rooney English National Team jersey in celebration of all things Briton.
I know, I know, The Royal Wedding is about as smug as it can get when it comes to appointment television. But your boy? He’s all in. Inject that celebratory Boddington’s into my veins and slather my eggs with HP Sauce. Saturday morning is going to be fucking mental.
Why am I so jacked up, you ask? Let’s break things down one by one and get our collective blood flowing as we bid farewell to the most eligible bachelor England has left as he marries a sub-par American actress who seemingly hates her entire family. I’m psyched.
In blockquotes below is Town & Country‘s full rundown of what to expect during the wedding. Once again, let’s gooooooooooo.
THE ENGAGEMENT RING
Shortly after Meghan and Harry announced their plans to marry on November 27, we got our first look at the custom diamond engagement ring Prince Harry used to propose. Harry designed the piece, which was then made by court jewelers Cleave and Company using one diamond sourced from Botswana and two smaller stones from Princess Diana’s collection.
“Harry designed the piece” just like Kanye designed all of his sneakers. He just straight up didn’t. While the size of this thing screams “blood diamond,” you have to imagine The Royal Family didn’t want that literal blood on their hands so they got that good-good from Botswana. So icy.
THE WEDDING DATE AND TIME
The royals are going to have a busy spring next year. Kensington Palace has confirmed Meghan and Harry will wed on May 19, 2018, just one month after Will and Kate’s third child is due. The wedding will begin at 12 p.m. BST (7 a.m. ET) on May 19, and the ceremony will be followed by a carriage procession through Windsor at 1 p.m. BST, (8 a.m. ET).
Why am I waking up at 4 in the morning? Because there ain’t no pre-game like a BBC America pre-game because a BBC America pre-game don’t stop. Give me it all. I want horses, carriages, and old English dudes with crooked teeth telling me what everything means. Can’t wait to see the fit Queen Elizabeth gets off. You know Prince Philip is going to be absolutely stunting because it’s likely the last major event he’ll be alive for. Time to solidify the bad boy legacy he’s worked nearly a century to establish. Hell yes.
HOW TO WATCH THE WEDDING
Harry and Meghan’s wedding will be televised and live streamed around the world. Coverage will begin bright and early on an number of networks including NBC, PBS, CBS, BBC America, and E!. We’ve got all the information you need on how to watch here.
If you’re watching this on any American network, you’re doing it completely wrong. As I’ve already stated, it’s BBC America or bust. PBS may take a good stab at it, but I want to go with the sure thing. The last thing we need is Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic squabbling back and forth. Their only knowledge of English culture probably starts and ends with the Friends episodes taped there. How embarrassing.
PERMISSION TO MARRY
On March 15, the Queen gave her formal blessing to Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s marriage. “My Lords, I declare My Consent to a Contract of Matrimony between My Most Dearly Beloved Grandson Prince Henry Charles Albert David of Wales and Rachel Meghan Markle, which Consent I am causing to be signified under the Great Seal and to be entered in the Books of the Privy Council,” reads her official consent.
I don’t want to throw shade at Meghan because I’m sure she’s a delight, but this statement was 100% because Queen Elizabeth was put in a corner even though no one puts Queen Elizabeth in a corner. Harry is 33 and too old to start over so it was Meghan or bust. Queen Elizabeth already had to endure Prince Charles’s divorce before she had Princess Diana killed, so axing Harry’s only shot at marriage during her lifetime wasn’t an option.
THE INVITATIONS
The formal wedding invitations were mailed out in late March. Get your first look at the cards below.
The invitations follow many years of Royal tradition and have been made by @BarnardWestwood. They feature the Three-Feathered Badge of the Prince of Wales printed in gold ink. pic.twitter.com/cd7LBmRJxO
— Kensington Palace (@KensingtonRoyal) March 22, 2018
Still shocked I didn’t get invited but let’s not make this about me.
What do you think it feels like to open your mailbox and see this invite straight chilling there ontop of your most recent issue of Garden & Gun? Can’t even fathom the electricity you feel corsing through your body. I’d probably hide it under my pillow and keep it in a safe while I’m at work just so some normie who didn’t get an invite can’t get their paws onto it. So posh.
THE CEREMONY
Meghan and Harry could have been married in Westminster Abbey (A spokesman for the Abbey confirmed that their marriage could take place in one of the world’s most famous churches thanks to a recent ruling by the Church of England. “The Abbey follows the General Synod Ruling of 2002,” the spokesperson said. “Since then it has been possible for divorced people to be married in the Church of England”). But a statement from Kensington Palace on November 28 revealed that the wedding will instead take place in St. George’s Chapel at Windsor Castle.
Denying the use of Westminster Abbey is probably the flex of the century. “Nah,” Harry said via iMessage to the Church of England, “We gucci.”
I addmitedly don’t know a damn thing about St. George’s Chapel but what I do know is that it’s bound to be a lituation. As homework, I watched the last Royal Wedding last night and they did. it. up. Harry even still had his Ryan Cabrera red hair as he walked down the aisle with the groom, Prince William. Windsor Castle may burn to the ground with all the heat The Royals bring.
A CARRIAGE RIDE THROUGH WINDSOR
Immediately following the exchange of vows, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will take a carriage ride through Windsor. The procession will begin a 1 p.m. BST, 8 a.m. ET, and the route will reportedly go along High Street through town before returning back via the Long Walk.On May 4, Kensington Palace announced that the Carriage Procession will take just under 25 minutes. Additionally, the Palace notes close family members will gather on the steps of St. George’s Chapel to wave the royal couple off as they begin their procession.
Now we doin’ parades. Carriages on carriages on carriages on carriages. It’s like a Stanley Cup celebration but with rich people and a lot less Labatt Blue and Molson being sprayed. Pubs along this stretch are going to be filled to the brim. Can’t imagine anyone will be alive to watch the FA Cup Final later in the day.
Side note: What an asshole move by Harry to schedule the wedding on the day of the final. That’s like scheduling a fall wedding during your school’s biggest conference game. You know all his boys resent him at least a little bit.
BRIDESMAIDS AND PAGE BOYS
Meghan did not chose a maid of honor to serve in her wedding party, so we can expect to only see children in the role of bridesmaids and page boys on the wedding day. The Wednesday before the wedding, the full list of 10 bridal attendants was announced. Here’s who will be page boys, and here’s who will be bridesmaids.
Meghan not choosing a maid of honor or bridesmaids is unhinged. She’s essentially winning the lottery by marrying into royalty so I can’t blame her telling all of her friends to kick rocks. Like, if I actually won the lottery, I can say that I’d treat the squad to all the dope shit I get into, but there’s also a chance I start an entirely new life where I just ball and hang out with Leo and Clooney all the time. You have to respect it.
THE RECEPTION
We shouldn’t expect Meghan and Harry’s nuptials to be a repeat of what we’ve recently seen from the royal family.After their Westminster Abbey ceremony, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge greeted the thousands of well-wishers who waited to see catch a glimpse of the carriage procession back to Buckingham Palace, where the Queen hosted a lunch for 650 guests. They later enjoyed an evening reception for their most trusted friends and family inside the Palace.
Meghan and Harry’s first reception will take place at St. George’s Hall, a state room within Windsor Castle. Approximately 600 guests have been invited to the ceremony and then lunch, which is being hosted by the Queen. On May 4, the Palace revealed after the Carriage Procession begins, all guests will walk from the Chapel to the reception at St. George’s Hall, and that all guests invited to the ceremony will also attend the reception.
Band or DJ? Top shelf liquor? What kind of Champagne? Will Prince William be walking around with his shirt unbuttoned while browned out? All questions that need answers.
Could quite possibly be the party of the year or possibly the century. You can find me on Snapchat maps all Saturday trying to watch the ruckus that goes down at St. George’s Hall. Join me while I live-tweet it. And once more for good measure — Let’s gooooooooooo. .
Image via Wikimedia Commons
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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You gotta hand it to Harry – he’s really marrying up to have a chance at becoming a member of the 325 million person royal family known as US citizens.
Rumor has it, Megan is going to renounce her citizenship to avoid the mess the tax situation would create.
As an American, I am disgusted. But as a CPA, although one that doesn’t do taxes, I am intrigued.
Something about the IRS having access to their accounts apparently does not sit well with the House of Windsor.
That’s not surprising at all, I’m sure the royals want to keep their trillions private.
I just got paid 7k dollar working off my laptop this month. And if you think that’s cool, my divorced friend has twin toddlers and made over 12k her first month. It feels so good making so much money when other people have to work for so much less. This is what I do…. www.Jobzon3.com
Yeah but are you renouncing your citizenship to hide your money?
Didn’t we fight a war to get away from these people?
Hopefully the US supplies a wedding gift of another dead major terrorist figure like they did for Will and Kates wedding.
I’d love to conduct an interview with Ms. Markle before she gets married. One can only dream…
If only she needed $1,000 – $3,000 per day.
No one cares Will.
Where’ve you been Donald? Long time no see
Prince George is about to steal the entire show. Book it
Not the biggest fan of the Brits, with that said, without them holding off the Nazis at the onset of WWII not sure what kind of place Europe would be today. Respect to Churchill, one tough SOB, cheers to the happy couple
Username doesn’t check out.
classic MI 6… we’d never suspect this 007 being a British spy if he gets us to think he hates the Brits. He’s playing chess while we’re playing checkers
Who cares about what those Redcoats are doing over there?
so was markle a member of the shapeshifting reptilian illuminati before she met harry or are they going to gift her a new human suit post-ceremony
They had her sacrifice a “lost boy” in the basement of the palace first. And then they all probably had sex with each other or something because they do some shady shit over there and they are action figures for the Rothschilds lol
Is this the reason we only got one TGDAG article this week and zero Chronicles of Todd? This week was good, but not good enough to cover having zero last week. Just asking.
100% honest, I was going to do another TGDAG but my afternoon got hijacked on Wednesday so I didn’t prepare one for Thursday.
What do mean prepare another one? I thought you just plagiarized other people’s hard work.
This made me smile.