I live my life superfluous purchase to superfluous purchase. It’s not that I like blowing money, but retail therapy just feels good when you’ve had too many IPAs the night before and need something to lift your spirits. Like, I don’t want to buy a $400 pair of cashmere joggers but, at the same time, I literally can’t fathom living my life without them.
But even I, a beta male who regretfully subscribes to the guy version of Birchbox can admit that this Washington D.C. power nap and meditation studio may be taking things a littttttttttle too far.
It’s called Recharj, which I admittedly love. I’ve been taking measures in my life to attempt to draw more from the Nordic luxury that often goes unnoticed in our American society, so I’m a huge fan of rebranding the word “recharge” to look like it’s something out of Norway. But what I can’t get behind is the actual concept of paying money to fall asleep somewhere that isn’t a hotel or Airbnb.
Per The Washingtonian:
The class programming will be the same at both locations, including the 25-minute power-nap sessions and 35-minute meditation sessions. A single power-nap session is $9, while a single meditation session is $18, and an unlimited monthly membership goes for $79.
I barely spend $79 per month in groceries let alone a place to take a mid-day power nap between lunch and my one o’clock meeting. This place has a “central meditation room with turf flooring and sound-dampening curtains; a power nap space, with six-foot bean-bags called Yogibos for sleeping, to one side; and a space for private and small group meditation sessions to the other side.” And with all due respect to anyone who has forked over nine bucks in order to take advantage of said amenities, you’re a total dumbass if you’ve done so.
Getting onto a six-foot bean bag surrounded by a bunch of stressed-out corporate suits sounds like an absolute fucking nightmare. The tension that must be emanating through that room is so palpable that it’s making me uncomfortable from my desk. But the most frustrating thing isn’t the concept; it’s the willingness for these people to buy in on this dumbassery.
I’m under the impression that I’d be better at spending other people’s money than they are. Not in the investment way, either. Leave that to the pros. But I’m talking about it from a pampering standpoint. I can delegate which scented candle you should buy versus which one you should throw in the trash better than Gwyneth Paltrow can. If you’re shelling over money to go here, please take the following steps:
1. Punch yourself in the face. You deserve it.
2. Invest in a mohair throw. “Mohair” is fancy for goat wool. It’s soft and probably feels similar to wearing a pair of $400 cashmere joggers.
3. Delete any app from your phone that claims to be for “meditation.” Listening to your iPhone through EarPods is the exact opposite of actually meditating. You know, kind of like trying to reach nirvana by paying hand over fist for a chill sitch to sleep in every afternoon when you could just do it in your car.
4. Go home. Cultivate your living space into the most relaxing place you can make it. Nurture yourself without being impeded by everyone around you. Don’t pay $9 to fucking nap.
5. Trim your scented candle wicks. It’s important and it saves lives. One wick pop and your mohair throw is up in flames and you’re on the 9 o’clock news.
But whatever you do, don’t get a $79 monthly subscription to Recharj D.C. and expect to release yourself from all life’s stresses. You know, no matter how tight their name is. .
[via The Washingtonian]
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