======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
I’m a copywriter. What I pay my rent with is my ability to create short, concise, clever messages in the form of headlines, subheads, and scripts. Because of this, I know it’s not fair of me to judge captions on their level of wit and cleverness, but I’ve been wired to do so, so I do. And by doing so, I’ve created a mental cesspool of overused, cliché Instagram captions that I JUST CANNOT anymore.
“Reunited and it feels so good.”
I’d be willing to bet that this caption is the number one most written caption on Instagram, hands down. I can’t take it anymore. Is there ANY other song about reuniting that we can turn to? Don’t get me wrong–I’m 100 percent guilty of using this caption. It happened one time, and it hasn’t since, nor will ever again. The problem with the “reunited” caption is that people try to own it and make it clever in their own way, and still, it fails. “Reunited and it’s not half bad!” “Reunited and it feels AH-MAH-ZING!” “Reunited and it feels actually pretty decent.” I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Get original, y’all. Here’s a list of songs to help jumpstart your way to a beautifully unique caption.
“It’s a ________ kind of day!”
Is it? Is it a blankity blank fill in the spaces kind of day? There is no stopping this force of nature caption. It’s everywhere. It’s not limited to one thing. It can be about an outfit, a song, an entire album, a movie, a meal–IT KNOWS NO BOUNDS. To me, it’s just a copout. You’re stating the obvious. For example: it’s cold outside, so you’re all like, “It’s a scarf and mittens kind of day!” Or everyone knows you just broke up, so you’re all “It’s a Bon Iver kind of day…” (everyone knows the “…” is essential to portray sadness, confusion, and trailing off thoughts). This caption is an abusive relationship with countless, non-creative Instagrammers. They use it when they have nothing else to use. I kind of feel bad for it, actually. No matter what kind of day it is, it’s more than just that kind of day. #poetry
Absolutely NO please and thank you. When people use this as a caption or even as a hashtag, I want to thrash around like a crazy person, mainly because I can’t read it in anything but a gay man’s voice or a waspy cougar’s voice. “Yes please!” reminds me of a ridiculous inside joke my best friend and I used to have and say just to be assholes: “I love shoes, men, and chocolate–IN THAT ORDER!” The whole phrase is just so cheesedick. If you absolutely have to, write it in another language. Or just not at all.
“I never do this…”
The dreaded trying to play coy with a selfie caption. I’ve preached about this before. When it comes to the selfie, JUST OWN IT. And if you feel that awkward about it in the first place, don’t call it out further by making it known that you NEVER do this. Yeah. We know. If I follow you, I’m most likely well aware that you never post pictures of yourself. But, you see, I’m the type of person who will respect the shit out of you the first time you DO post a selfie. I’ll like that shit no matter what, because hey! You did it! That’s you, owning you, and you look great! So there’s just no need to call yourself out. It’s embarrassing. It’s kind of like when you have a pimple only you can see, but you word vomit to everyone around you, “Isn’t this pimple so bad?” Alas, the beauty of Instagram is you can control your word vomit with your own fingers. Don’t fall victim to “never doing this.”
My last grievance with captions is the no caption. Honestly, more often than not, when I see absolutely zero caption happening, I instantly assume the person just got ahead of him or herself and posted too quickly. THAT’S how ridiculous I view the no caption–as something that shouldn’t ever happen on purpose. Really? You have NOTHING to say about this picture? You’re just going to leave it up to me to decide what I’m looking at and create the story behind it? Your lack of imagination and effort disgusts me, sir. Also, the landscape pictures with no captions are the ultimate worst. I’m not a fucking artist. I’m not a scenery guru. I’m not Bob Ross. I need you, at the very least, to tell me where you took this picture/where you are/SOMETHING. Give me something. Or, if it’s a picture of your dog whose picture you’ve posted countless times, so what? There are infinite words in the English language, so I know you can think of something halfway clever to say about this new picture of your pooch. Guh. The gall of people, I swear.
So, in conclusion, when it’s an Instagram kind of day and you’re meeting up with a long, lost friend that night who you know will feel so good to be reunited with and you never do this but, like, YES PLEASE!…just don’t.