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I recently watched 300, which is an awesome movie, for the first time in several years. It will probably make you insecure about your pathetically average body, because every single Spartan soldier is chiseled like Michelangelo’s statue of David, but it’s still awesome. That being said, there was one particular scene that didn’t sit right with me.
At the end of the film, when Dilios (stupid fucking name) is giving his speech to the Greek army, which has assembled to fight the Persians after the slaughter of Leonidas and his crew, some glaring obstacles are ignored.
Then, when this facially-crippled genius finally makes his way to the front of the army, he doesn’t even bother turning around to face the men. At this point, he’s essentially giving a speech to himself. Congratulations, Dilios, you’ve managed to convince the entire army that a rambling madman wearing an eye patch is leading them into battle, while only psyching up yourself.
He even mentions that there are over 30,000 soldiers present. Maybe six or seven of those dudes caught a whole sentence of his epic speech.
Here’s a conversation between two soldiers that were six rows back:
Soldier #1: Who the fuck is that pirate up front, and what is he saying?
Soldier #2: I don’t know. I can’t hear a damn thing.
Soldier #1: Are we heading into battle? Was there a truce? What’s the deal?
Soldier #2: No idea, bro. Hold on. Is he charging? Are we all charging?
Soldier #1: Fuck that. I’m not charging. I’m out.
Soldier #2: Right behind you.
I’ll give Dilios this: he chose a solid speechwriter. Had he been handed the world’s most powerful megaphone, or a microphone hooked up to a high-quality set of concert speakers, he might’ve actually made a difference.
Not surprisingly, this isn’t the only cinematic military force in history to struggle with the limitations of an acoustically challenged battlefield.
Take Braveheart, for example.
When the crowd cheers, it’s only because they’re excited to see what they think is a psychotic midget wearing blue face paint on horseback. They assume he’s the pre-battle entertainment.
“Oh hell yes! They brought a midget! Look! It’s riding a horse and has its face painted like a clown! SCOTLAND! FUCK YEAH!”
King Theoden in The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King had some trouble with public speaking as well.
He’s not alone, though. Aragorn has some issues later on in the same film.
Here’s an example of an epic pre-battle speech executed to perfection:
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Ross Bolen
Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Thrones podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets, Astros and Texans fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.
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WRBolen
Too bad that was the only good thing about Troy.
All of these movies, including Troy, were fucking awesome, Troy being the least awesome. Braveheart is in my top 10. I just thought the topic was kinda funny.
Solid effort on the article, but it really didn’t give me the tingle in my balls like other articles of yours. I look forward to more from you, though.
Is Troy the one where all the dudes have sex with each other?
I like to give myself a little speech before I enter BWW on .50 wing night.
I was doubting this whole column when I read the title, but you’re right. You did good, you did good
Good job, good effort.
WTF is Theoden talking about with the “AND THE SUN RISES!!!!” stuff?
It’s a movie bro, chill out.
CHILL? MOTHERFUCKER, LIVES ARE AT STAKE!
One commonly over-looked pre-battle speech was by Bluto:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7vtWB4owdE
^