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While I don’t talk about it as much as Will, I’m the proud owner of an iPhone X. This purchase was, of course, inspired partially by the fact that I wanted to see if the new “Face ID” feature worked like I was hoping it would. The plan was to set up Face ID to unlock my phone only when I held it up to a picture of actor Jeffrey Donovan’s mug as a means of motivating me to watch more Burn Notice. Problem is, I shake with excitement every second I’m watching Burn Notice like I’m hooked up to a goddamn 1950s Nadco Vibrating Exercise Belt. Phone couldn’t recognize Michael Westen’s face through all the gyration. Whatever. Now I have an iPhone X.
The major improvement this phone has over my old iPhone 6 is its ability to hold a charge for longer than it takes to ask Siri why she keeps adding “Bitch Créme” to my Grocery List note. Is that a brand name or a general style of ointment? Are you being a bitch or sincere? I need more details, lady. Even if my phone was plugged in during this questioning period, I’d just end up dropping the matter; the lag was so bad that any further exploration would’ve taken about as long as a cricket match that went into triple wicket overtime.
Although Apple just recently admitted it, we’ve all known for quite some time that Tim Cook and the Granny Smith Crew have been planning the obsolescence of each and every one of our Apple products since day one. But good news! Apple is aware of our battery concerns — which are at the root of lag issues as well — and has announced we’ll all soon be granted VIP access to watching our iPhone batteries going from a hundred to zero real quick with the next iOS update.
From The Verge:
Apple CEO Tim Cook today shared that the next update to iOS 11 will allow users to disable battery performance throttling on their device. The move comes after Apple last month admitted it intentionally slows down iPhones as they get older to prevent issues that may arise as the batteries depreciate.
In an interview with ABC News, Cook said the update will arrive next month in a developer release before a wider public rollout. “We’re going to give people the visibility of the health of their battery so it’s very, very transparent,” he says. “This hasn’t been done before.”
My assumption is this feature will be decently hidden. I’m talking Settings > General > Regulatory > Philippines > Don’t Click Here > No, Seriously > Last Warning > Don Imus Naked > Battery Monitor.
If they aren’t cowards, though, they’ll put it front and center. A Poop Animoji that shouts out the full-blast emergency siren each time your battery reaches a new shitty milestone should be on my lock screen. Then, as a party trick, I can just hold my phone up to a mirror and have it unlock because I’m such a shithead for letting Apple take me for the same ride over and over and over and over again..
[via The Verge]
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