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I come here to report the passing elimination of three more gorgeous women. Ashley, 25, Maquel, 23, and Marikh, 27, have gone the ways of the countless Rose-less women before them, and will now have to fight tooth and nail in the afterlife for fame and followers on shitty spin-off shows. The assailant, known as The Kissing Bandit, has been charged with the crimes, but authorities are still searching for a motive. And honestly, I don’t think they’ll ever find a motive. Because it’s absolutely incomprehensible how Arie could make these cuts, so early, with certain women still left. Specifically, I’m talking about Marikh and Maquel.
How neither Marikh nor Maquel were able to sleep walk through to the fantasy suite is absolutely nonsensical. These two women are 11/10 thunder factory infernos. Mount Saint Helens lava fire flames melting eyeballs that dare linger on their beauties longer than a three-count. They’re forest fires that even Smoky the Bear are okay with.
So, let The Grim Creeper take you on a stroll through memory lane (i.e. their Instagrams), plug in some R.E.M. (Everybody Hurts), and hold each other tight. Remember, grief is nature’s most powerful aphrodisiac. And as always, don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.
Maquel, 23, photographer from American Fork, Utah
Maquel had to leave last week because her grandmother? grandfather? died. (I wasn’t paying attention too closely). But luckily she overcame her grief quickly in order to rejoin the squad in Florida, because you can’t grieve too long on your search for fame love. Unfortunately, Maquel was sent home for good, so she’ll have plenty of time to properly mourn her deceased grandparent. And we’ll have plenty of time to mourn her elimination.
Maquel is a fucking stunner. Sure she’s only 23, but sources tell me she’s already divorced, and her ex was stupid rich. That makes her instantly more attractive, if that’s even possible. Pre-nup or not, she’s probably got some stacks. She made an electric first impression, coming out of that race car and pulling off her helmet in the sexiest way possible. Girl just drips sex appeal. Throw her some follows.
A post shared by Maquel Cooper 🌹 (@maquelx) on
Rain rain go away….. sooo ready for some sunshine and pool days.
A post shared by Maquel Cooper 🌹 (@maquelx) on
Marikh, 27, restaurant owner from Salt Lake City, Utah
I had such high hopes for Marikh this season. I mean, just fucking look at her for Christ’s sake! Marikh might be the hottest Indian woman alive, and I’m not sure that’s an exaggeration. Sure, we barely got to know Marikh at all, except for the fact that she despised the wilderness group date. But hey! Some of us are just indoor cats.
Screen time or not, I was growing fond of Marikh, simply because every time she came on the screen I had a mini myocardial infarction. I can’t wait to see what she does with her modelling career. Can. Not. Wait.
Ashley, 25, real estate agent from West Palm Beach, Florida
What’s there to say about Ashely….not much. She’s one of those stealth bombers who flew so under the radar that they got halfway through the season and I bet like 95% of you don’t even know who this girl is. She must be relatively cool, since she beat out some power players last week (read: personal favorite Caroline), yet she’ll probably never live up the fact that she couldn’t make it farther than Krystal.
Anyway, throw her a follow. She has less than Will; let’s get her a few more and maybe we’ll see her in para para paradise.
RIP. .
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Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
@BostonMaxG
@boston_maxg
I don’t care what else you do with this new update, Grandex, but I NEED to be able to see these Instagram pictures on the app if this article is going to be worth a read (no offense BM, the girls are just prettier than your words)
You’re not missing much, they’re only like hard 11s.
It works on mine. Not sure what’s up.
Oh, my apologies, my thick beard was blocking my view
I still don’t know why nor how Jacqueline is still present on the show.
Who is Jacqueline?
“mini myocardial infarction”? Is Boston Max trying to be Crick Jr.?