In Defense Of True Detective, Season 2

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The common consensus from professional and amateur critics is that the second season of True Detective sucked. While they may have an argument, I have no problem saying that I loved it.

There are long winded dissections of why it was bad on industry sites like Variety, and I understand those come from a place of disappointment. But I also think it’s kicking a man while he’s down with a bandwagon jumping, cowardly attitude.

Television doesn’t have to be perfect for me. Everything can’t be Breaking Bad. On a Sunday night, beat up from the weekend, desperately trying to hydrate myself on the couch, I just want to watch some cool shit and bring the plane in for a smooth landing. Despite all the criticisms, I still looked forward to True Dick every week as the cap on my Sunday.

So, from the standpoint of a hungover exhausted person who just wanted to stare at the television and see some cool shit, I’d like to present my defense of True Detective, Season 2: The Western Book of The Dead.

1. Vince Vaughn’s character, Frank, wears some badass suits. Like he’s almost Ray Donovan level except for Liev wears denim pants. Plus his redheaded wife is super fucking hot. I don’t remember her name, but it’s really not important. I love those redheads, man.

He’s usually got a scotch in his hand, which makes me want a scotch that I won’t feel bad for drinking even though I’m trying to sober up. It’s called the Mad Men effect.

Frank straight fucks up some dudes. There’s that one scene where he beats the shit outta that Mexican guy in a basement. It rules. You learn that this guy is from the streets for real and can throw down. Also, he fucks up that one weasel guy in his office, then after he’s dead, Frank just makes another drink and leaves the guy on the floor like NBD.

Then, in the finale when Frank goes to that Russian cabin with Colin Ferrell and just smokes everyone including the guy who fucked him over and takes all their money? A nighttime cabin raid with automatic weapons? Boner. That guy who wrote the Variety article said it was a “snoozefest.” What else is “snoozefest” to you? Tits? Pizza? Mike Tyson knockout highlights? What a wiener.

I also like then Frank talked to ghosts as he was dying in the desert. Facing all the bullies that shaped him into the man he became. Really got me because I was hungover and in a vulnerable state.

Some people complained because Vince Vaughn whispered too much. So what I did is turn my TV up louder. That way I could hear the dialogue better. Worked great and I could understand everything because I’m not an idiot.

2. Taylor Kitsch is in it. Taylor Kitsch played Tim motherfucking Riggins in Friday Night Lights. So if you watch his character and pretend it’s just Tim Riggins in the future who’s now a closeted homosexual CHP officer who still scores with smokin’ babes, it rules. He’s also a veteran, which would mean Tim Riggins eventually joined the military. I think that would have been good for him. Coach Taylor would have been proud.

3. Colin Ferrell plays this dude named Ray with a fatso son. Ray used to be a cop, but now is a wanted man because his wife took his fatso son away, some bad shit happened, and he went bonkers. Ray gets all sad and drinks a bottle of booze, does a huge bag of coke, and smokes two packs of American Spirit Organic yellows. Then he destroys his own apartment. You watch it like, “whoa, that’s fucked up.” Ray tells his wife he’ll stay away forever if the kid never finds out he was a child of rape. In the end it turns out he wasn’t. But Ray will never know ‘cause he dies in the woods trying to get cell phone service, which is relatable.

His best scene is when Ray finds out his fatso son got his shoes, “the fucking LeBron’s or whatever,” stolen and cut up by a bully at school. So he goes to the bully’s house, puts on brass knuckles, and beats the living shit out of the bully’s dad in front of the bully. Then he tells him:

“You ever bully, or hurt anybody again, I’ll come back and buttfuck your father with your mom’s headless corpse on this goddamn lawn.”

It’s incredible. And again, relatable. LeBron’s are two hundo. I’d want to do the same thing. Of course I wouldn’t. But I’d think about it. So it was nice to see.

Also, he looks siiiiiiick when he puts his hair in a man bun. Especially with tactical gear on.

4. Rachel McAdams is a straight badass. So cool. She’s a master of knives. So when she has to go undercover to some scumbag rich people orgy and a security guy piece of shit tries to stop her from rescuing a sex slave, she takes a knife from a cheese plate and cuts him up really bad. He bleeds out and dies. I was like, “Yeah girl. Do that shit. Do YOU.”

It’s sad that she was molested as a kid, but that’s also what makes her character tough as fuck. Her hair is cool, her clothes are cool, she loves to drink, chain smoke cigs, and also it’s still Rachel McAdams so of course she’s hotchie motchie. They usually call her by her last name but I don’t know how to spell it offhand. I’ll look it up.

Ok, it’s “Bezzerides.”

Colin Ferrell does it with her which makes total sense.

5. Finally, in episode four, there is an INSANE shootout. It’s not as good as the one in Heat, but it’s up there. I watched it five times in a row after the episode ended. Daylight gun battles are the best. And this one is fucking brutal. At the end, Colin Ferrell, Rachel McAdams, and Tim Riggins all stare at each other like, “Holy. Shit.” People staring at each other happens a lot, but this time, it’s completely warranted. Dead dudes are everywhere, and they all know that some shit is about to go down, BIG TIME.

True Detective: The Western Book of The Dead. You’ll be missed.

Looks like it’s just me and you now, Ballers.

*Of course, before watching the finale on Sunday night, I have to disclose that I am also a person who previously consumed Rally’s, Taco Bell, and Papa John’s in a four hour time span leading up to the viewing. So. Yeah. Fuck do I know about anything?.

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Mike Burns

Mike Burns is a comedian, author, and writer of television. He was born in Saginaw, MI and lives in Los Angeles, via Chicago via New York. Mike graduated from Michigan State University with a degree in Advertising that he threw in the trash. He's also the creator of @DadBoner and the author of "Power Moves: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein."

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