In Defense Of Sweatpants

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Most girls wear yoga pants in an attempt to look somewhat put together on the outside, though on the inside, they’re still sitting criss-cross-applesauce on the sofa midway through a “Sex and the City” marathon with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

Sometimes, girls pair leggings with heels and bangles to “glamify” themselves for the bar, or they wear them with a neon zip-up and matching kicks at the gym. Almost all girls reserve sweatpants for when they truly feel that they are the scum of the Earth (see: hangover, cramps, etc.).

I fall into the category of the small bastion of females who wholeheartedly recognize and adorn sweatpants as a daily, high-fashion item. Actually, I expect to be buried in my sweats, as they are–and always have been–a staple to my wardrobe. They should be for everyone. Tweet it with me now: #YesAllWomen #SweatsAllWomen

Comfort (Like, Duh)

Sweatpants provide ample room for the non-thigh gap to flap around. This is the most important reason, in my opinion, to wear sweatpants. I go through leggings faster than I go through coffee on a Monday, because the area under my crotch becomes pilled and torn. Sweatpants are nice and breezy and don’t have a zipper to tightly hold the waistline around my hip bones. Instead, an elastic waistband hugs me snug and tight, but I can escape the cotton embrace in a flash. Snap-up sweatpants are key here.

Expression Of Self

People use clothing to express individuality and personality traits. I’ve never been a froofy girl, and I’m quite positive that the ninth circle of hell will welcome me in through revolving doors that lead to The Mall of America. What I’m saying is that it wouldn’t be lawful for me live my life in a mini skirt and a pushup bra. That would be false advertising. If you feel like shit one day, then by all means, express that through a raggedy pair of sweats–that is, if you’re not normally a sweatpants person. Just make sure that the rest of you looks like crap, too, or else your look may convey otherwise. (See below.)

Masking Laziness With Athleticism

If you wear sweats that boast a Nike check on the side or pair a plain, gray pair with some Hanes, then people will just assume you’re an athlete. What’s even better is when you are able to grab hold of athletic apparel with a legitimate (or localized) team name on it. After a one-night stand my sophomore year of college, the dude had passed out, so on my way out of his house I swapped my boring, Champion sweats for a pair of his schmancy college lacrosse ones that were lying lifeless on the floor. Finders keepers, right? Then, another time, I managed to snag a navy pair from a friend on the football team and returning them just slipped my mind. (Whoops!) Almost every time I wear sweats–which is pretty much every day–someone asks me if I’m coming from the gym. I’m not, because I save sacred sweats for doing annoying errands and wear real-people clothes to destroy during my workouts. Regardless, it just shows that I did a damn good job of tricking people into thinking that I am indeed Sporty Spice, so ha! Joke’s on you.

Maybe I Don’t Want You To Look At My Butt

Hoodies cover the girls and help to blur the curves of the hips, while sweats waterfall over the butt cheeks. They leave just about everything to the imagination, including the knees, and they cause strangers to play a mental game of “hot or not.” My booty is none of your damn beeswax, and if you want it to be a regular part of your life, then you should ask for my number. But only if you still think I look sexy in my sweats.

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