In Defense Of Office Restroom Use

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A couple weeks ago, New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg, he of banning large drinks fame, was asked what made him wildly successful in American corporate life. Most of what he said was common sense for the real go-getters out there – come in early, leave late, go light on the vacation days, and work through lunch while eating at your desk instead of going out. There was, however, an additional goal for those trying to become the next billionaire mayor and entrepreneur: spending “the least time away from the desk to go to the bathroom.”

How Mike Bloomberg discouraging the “last bastion of American freedom” didn’t make national headlines with his shitty advice is beyond me. Less restroom time? That really pisses me off.

Bloomberg has been described as someone who “drinks coffee the way a marathon runner drinks water” and with that I identify. I’ve recent had to switch to caffeine pills on top of my coffee intake because the amount of coffee I had worked my way up to drinking was actually dehydrating me to unhealthy levels. Obviously water intake is necessary to supplement this addiction, and between the two, the urinal certainly gets a workout. I’m that guy who breaks the seal early when he drinks and then continues to piss like a pregnant woman with diabetes.

But that’s only one side of the equation, and really, #1 takes a minute or two at most. The real shitstorm would arise if I had to spend less time perched on the porcelain throne during the day. How else would I read the news in peace? How could I sext girls without fear of that “always on your phone” millennial judgment from my boss? Where would I be able to work off that annoying “I wake up at 6am but my dick wakes up at 10am” boner? Sure these things take time, but if I can’t blow out the bottom of a toilet in between meetings and cold calls, my productivity would most certainly suffer even worse, as would the productivity of anyone around me for that matter. I’m not shitting (figuratively) you, there would definitely be collateral damage.

I’m an adult in a civilized world. I already can’t just pee wherever I want anymore like I could post-bars in college (or that girl I was with last weekend), and can’t all be like Dillon and just spray-shit all over the side of a road either. Now I’m not supposed to do it as often as I want? Or as long as I want either?

I’m sorry, Mike Bloomberg, but that’s a load of shit.

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I used to write for TFM and PGP when they were funny.

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