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There are a few ways you can get any millennial girl screaming. Not counting something horrific or anything involving genitalia (but just to be clear, a lot of those screams in the bedroom are fake), it comes down to about three main reasons:
1. They saw a celebrity in the flesh.
2. A celebrity liked their Instagram post.
3. Someone said the word “moist.”
I’m not sure who, what, when, where, or why “moist” became a word that all girls (and a decent amount of guys) decided to hate, but I’m going to call a quick bullshit on the whole thing. And after doing some digging, I realized that the whole hated of this poor word is just some giant mind-fuck. Let’s dive in the moist knowledge cave that is the word “moist.”
Basically, someone once must have been like, “eww, the word moist is gross” and then all of the little sheep agreed. Now, we have an entire generation that despises the word used to described decadent cakes, relaxing saunas, and tropical paradises. First and foremost, the word means “slightly wet; damp or humid.” What’s so gross about that?
So, a whole bunch of nerds decided to see why everyone was getting their moist panties in a bunch over this five letter word. They tested the sound of it by asking people to pick other words they hated, including ones with the same “io” sound. You know, cool ass words like hoist, voiced, and rejoiced. Oddly enough, no one had problems with these words, but they still acted like baby back bitches over moist. So, they looked at the definition. Slightly wet. Damp. Sure, some people didn’t like the words “damp” and “humid” but that didn’t describe the problem. That didn’t explain why people would yell “gross” or “you’re the fucking devil” if you uttered the word “moist” in reference to your grandmother’s famous brownie recipe.
And then, like the clouds parting in the sky or the legs opening at a gynecologist, one person said it. The “reason.”
“It reminds people of sex and vaginas.”
The word moist makes people think of lady clams, or so they say.
The thing is, I can see that. I mean, if we’ve learned anything from Superbad, it’s that vaginas are supposed to be moist. A little damp. Dripping, if you use spermicidal lube. So, that’s fair. And I get how, *if* you always associated the word with vaginas, that using it to describe gramgram’s baked goods might be a little unappealing.
But first of all, does *everyone* associate the word with genitals? In porn, in the bedroom, or in the erotic fiction we hide behind How to Win Friends & Influence People when we’re riding the subway, does the guy say, “Oh baby, your [insert term for vaginal region] is so moist”? No. Fuuuck no. Because that’s not hot and because no one fucking says that. So it’s not like we’re getting the idea from the media, because if anyone wrote or said that, they would be fired.
The studies went on to point out that younger people are the ones who have a problem with the word. You know, more immature people. Because the thing is, most of the people who had an issue with the word also had an issue with other body functions. I don’t need to list them — I think you got it from here.
Which leads me to believe a lot of people just hate the word because social media, the internet, and their loser friends decided that word was gross and God forbid they use it. Not to sound like a raging feminist (but hey, if the title fits), but what, exactly, is the problem with thinking about vaginas? If we’re being honest, aren’t we almost always thinking about vaginas? People think about getting in them, getting them off, getting out of them. And if I’m talking to a gay man, even you have to admit you’d like a little moisture before putting things in holes. We need the moisture, just like a lot of us need vaginas in our lives. And while sure, maybe you don’t want to think about a big ole vag while you’re biting into a cupcake — but sex? That’s just about the biggest marketing tool ever. Without sex in advertising, what would Don Draper even be doing right now?
So, stop being babies about it. Stop screaming “ewww” over a word for no reason. There’s nothing wrong with the word “moist” other than the fact that you’re limiting your vocabulary by not using it. Don’t just limit yourself to damp, humid, and slightly wet. Spread your wings and live in the world of wrongfully hated words. Because at the end of the day, you can’t have your moist cake and not eat a vagina too — or something like that. .