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“Hey – let’s put the phone away, shall we? I’ll hold on to it so you don’t lose it.” That’s my go-to line when my intoxicated friend is incredibly close to texting her ex five margaritas deep.
But her line for me when I’m the one three sheets to the wind? “Hey girl, let’s change the subject. I think you’re scaring people.”
Let me explain. Everyone has bad, embarrassing, gross, or straight up bizarre drinking habits. Maybe not after one, two, or even three beers… But once the alcohol keeps flowing and our subconsciouses takes over, we get to see some interesting quirks within ourselves. Some have a bad pattern of sloppily texting their ex, or becoming a kleptomaniac. Others might allow their enemies to become their best friends for the evening. If you’re lucky, you’ll find someone who drunkenly believes their bank account it bottomless and they’ll buy you shots. I even know a few who get faded enough to consider the entire world their toilet.
But me? When I drink, I can’t shut up about conspiracy theories, and I’m starting to terrify people.
I recently had a bit too much wine at wedding (thank you, open bar) and started rambling to a groomsman about “simulation theory” out of absolutely nowhere. I guess my version of blackout flirting is talking about how we might be living inside of a computer that’s controlled by aliens or future generations of human beings… My goal was to let him know I was interesting, smart, and available. The end result? I’m pretty sure I convinced him I was a psychopath.
In my sober brain, I wouldn’t even consider myself a conspiracy theorist whatsoever as I’m a pretty normal and rational person. But once the booze has set in, step aside. I am officially an expert in all things regarding Lizard People, Avril Lavigne, JFK’s assassination, the Illuminati, and the Denver airport. Just give me a bottle of wine, and now any pair of ears nearby is now subject to listening to me explain how Sir Francis Bacon might’ve been the author behind all of William Shakespeare’s works.
You’d think I’d have some roadblocks for successfully vocalizing these kinds of subjects when I’m drunk. Conspiracy theories are naturally difficult to explain off the cuff, even when somebody is completely sober. But me and my friend tequila shot? I’m (apparently, as told by witnesses) able to perfectly articulate how the “Mandela Effect” is a collective misremembering of specific facts or events, AND how it might serve as evidence that we may have experience events from a different reality. It doesn’t matter about the volume of music in the bar, house party, or venue – Drunk Katie is determined to get your opinion on whether or not Mattress Firm is used for dark money laundering. In fact, people don’t necessarily have to be willing to listen. As long as they are in the general vicinity of my intoxication, they’re now liable to hear my thoughts about how the Denver airport may have been built and operated by the New World Order.
Like most drunk people with their destructive habits, I don’t know have any clue why this habit is hard-wired in my subconscious. Do I subscribe to any of these conspiracy theories when I’m sober? No. But for whatever reason whenever I get drunk, I’m determined to make everyone know that these theories exist. I don’t even mean to scare people when I start rambling about all of this nonsense, I think I just want to come off as interesting or even funny. And what’s more interesting and hilarious than a crazy theory that Jay-Z might actually be a time-traveling vampire?!
The only thing more terrifying than some of these theories is the fact that a drunk mind usually speaks sober thoughts. So wait, do I actually believe all of this garbage? Maybe conspiracy theorizing it’s not the most endearing habitual drunk behavior, but let’s be honest — at least I’m not that person puking and passing out at the bar… yet. .