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“Hey – let’s put the phone away, shall we? I’ll hold on to it so you don’t lose it.” That’s my go-to line when my intoxicated friend is incredibly close to texting her ex five margaritas deep.
But her line for me when I’m the one three sheets to the wind? “Hey girl, let’s change the subject. I think you’re scaring people.”
Let me explain. Everyone has bad, embarrassing, gross, or straight up bizarre drinking habits. Maybe not after one, two, or even three beers… But once the alcohol keeps flowing and our subconsciouses takes over, we get to see some interesting quirks within ourselves. Some have a bad pattern of sloppily texting their ex, or becoming a kleptomaniac. Others might allow their enemies to become their best friends for the evening. If you’re lucky, you’ll find someone who drunkenly believes their bank account it bottomless and they’ll buy you shots. I even know a few who get faded enough to consider the entire world their toilet.
But me? When I drink, I can’t shut up about conspiracy theories, and I’m starting to terrify people.
I recently had a bit too much wine at wedding (thank you, open bar) and started rambling to a groomsman about “simulation theory” out of absolutely nowhere. I guess my version of blackout flirting is talking about how we might be living inside of a computer that’s controlled by aliens or future generations of human beings… My goal was to let him know I was interesting, smart, and available. The end result? I’m pretty sure I convinced him I was a psychopath.
In my sober brain, I wouldn’t even consider myself a conspiracy theorist whatsoever as I’m a pretty normal and rational person. But once the booze has set in, step aside. I am officially an expert in all things regarding Lizard People, Avril Lavigne, JFK’s assassination, the Illuminati, and the Denver airport. Just give me a bottle of wine, and now any pair of ears nearby is now subject to listening to me explain how Sir Francis Bacon might’ve been the author behind all of William Shakespeare’s works.
You’d think I’d have some roadblocks for successfully vocalizing these kinds of subjects when I’m drunk. Conspiracy theories are naturally difficult to explain off the cuff, even when somebody is completely sober. But me and my friend tequila shot? I’m (apparently, as told by witnesses) able to perfectly articulate how the “Mandela Effect” is a collective misremembering of specific facts or events, AND how it might serve as evidence that we may have experience events from a different reality. It doesn’t matter about the volume of music in the bar, house party, or venue – Drunk Katie is determined to get your opinion on whether or not Mattress Firm is used for dark money laundering. In fact, people don’t necessarily have to be willing to listen. As long as they are in the general vicinity of my intoxication, they’re now liable to hear my thoughts about how the Denver airport may have been built and operated by the New World Order.
Like most drunk people with their destructive habits, I don’t know have any clue why this habit is hard-wired in my subconscious. Do I subscribe to any of these conspiracy theories when I’m sober? No. But for whatever reason whenever I get drunk, I’m determined to make everyone know that these theories exist. I don’t even mean to scare people when I start rambling about all of this nonsense, I think I just want to come off as interesting or even funny. And what’s more interesting and hilarious than a crazy theory that Jay-Z might actually be a time-traveling vampire?!
The only thing more terrifying than some of these theories is the fact that a drunk mind usually speaks sober thoughts. So wait, do I actually believe all of this garbage? Maybe conspiracy theorizing it’s not the most endearing habitual drunk behavior, but let’s be honest — at least I’m not that person puking and passing out at the bar… yet. .
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KatieCallaway
Katie is 27 and is from Nashville, TN but lives in Los Angeles, CA as an actress, comedian, writer, and marketing manager. Although some might disagree, she likely peaked when she had dinner with Randy Jackson and he called her “dude” a lot. You can see her active on the Twitterverse at @KECallaway or you can also follow her new Insta at @KatieCallaway even though she hates Instagram.
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Who is R.C. Christian? Why did they erect the Georgia Guide stones monument that depicts a dark future through “New World” 10 Commandments? Why are these Commandments then depicted in the murals at the Denver Airport? Why is the Denver Airport in the shape of an infamous Nazi symbol when looked down on from above? Why is the soldier summoning women and children to a fire pit, holding a sword that’s killing the dove of peace while wearing a Soviet military jacket and a gas mask? Why are there secret passageways under the Denver Airport that go well below ground? Why were the security guards who had the security camera footage of the “plane” hitting the Pentagon on 9/11 mysteriously murdered after claiming it wasn’t a plane. Why was no black box recovered from the wreckage if it was in fact a plane? Why has the opioid crisis skyrocketed since the invasion of Afghanistan along with the sales of devices who use lithium ion within their batteries? Why are we still there? Poppy is one of their top cash crops and lithium ion is one of their most abundant minerals. How can jet fuel melt steel support structures at the base of a hermetically sealed skyscraper when it doesn’t burn hot enough to melt steel? Why were traces of Thermite found in the dust plumes that dispersed from Ground 0 and cause a near symmetrical free fall to 2 skyscrapers that eerily mimics a controlled demolition? Why was Seth Rich shot dead in his neighborhood while jogging after Wikileaks released Hillary’s emails prior to the DNC? Why are you going to look into this shit? It’s better if you just shut the fuck up and stop asking questions because the Kardashians are still going strong, watch them instead and mind your business lol
Don’t forget the fact that we faked the moon landing, the moon exists but man has never stepped foot on it.
NASA hired Stanley Kubrick to fake it but he insisted they film on site.
My drunk self is the kleptomaniac of which you speak. Shot glasses, street signs/cones, flasks and beer bongs at house parties, those click-counter things that bouncers use to keep track of how many people come into a bar, etc. In college I stole a fire hydrant that was shut off and unbolted while it awaited maintenance. It was a great conversation piece in our apartment.
Me. I thought I had (hopefully) grown out of my blackout-piracy but I stole a pig this past weekend at a wedding in PA. So now I’m nervous for the open bar at the wedding I’m going to this Saturday.
I’d like to hear the pig story
Steal a car. Or a bridesmaid.
I like to call it “taking a souvenir” to have at least something to remember after a good night.
Sounds like a great story.
This is way better than my habit of DMing my favourite meme accounts.
I want to hear Drunk Katie’s take on Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster.
All in good time & some tequila, my friend.
“Drunk Takes on…” would be another A+ series I’d follow.
I think you need to bring back Conspiracy Thursdays. you can totally write drunk
Santa’s elves aren’t actually elves. Small, magical, humanoids with an extreme proficiency when it comes to building? Those are dwarves!
Sup
Start smoking pot. Marijuana enthusiasts are far more likely to be open to conspiracy theories.
So how about that drink soon?
HE PULLS UP FROM HALF COURT
When I get drunk I keep coming back to the same conspiracy that all the attractive women in this bar secretly want to sleep with me
This column did nothing but make me want to get drunk with you.
The more controversial the better. 9/11. Anthony Bourdain taken out by Hillary Clinton. Anything involving Scientology. Those are the ones that send me to dark corners of YouTube at 3 in the morning.
I need to know about Mattress Firm being a front for dark money
RIP Avril
So uh, wanna grab a drink?
I find that a success.
Don’t forget: Bin Laden is still alive and lives with Biggie and Tupac in the White House.