I’m Redecorating My Home And I Think I Need To Get Married

I’m Redecorating My Home And I Think I Need To Get Married

It’s only been about half a decade since I graduated college, got a real job, and moved into my deluxe apartment in the sky. Like many who have bought houses or condos or have moved into apartments, my first furnishings were hand-me-downs from my parents that didn’t really go together or fit the rooms. A Queen Anne four post bed. An antique armoire. A hardwood desk from the 1970s. A worn leather couch. A random Persian style rug. A converted TV stand. Anything my parents had that they didn’t want. To the trained eye it was a hodgepodge of random furniture filling empty space, but to any young bachelor all that matters is that the furniture has some remaining utility.

A single man will run a couch into the ground before buying a new one. Stains, tears, more stains, and slight odor be damned. We’ll also sleep on a mattress without a bed frame if completely necessary. Especially in the case of a tight, recent grad budget. However, recently, after a visit from my parents and the resulting nagging to get my shit together, I decided to redecorate my condo. I would like to make it look less like the annex of a low tier fraternity house and more like the condo of a relatively successful (read: pushing 30+) young professional. I had the place painted a neutral gray and then headed out to do the furniture store tour. It was at this moment that I realized that I need a wife.

Men generally don’t know shit about decorating. We look for durability, functionality, and price. Women, on the other hand, seem to know everything about decorating. There are probably millions of Pinterest boards out there where women post their ideas for decorating their current or future home. They know what’s trendy. They know what colors go together. They know accent pillows, wall art, candles, antiques, modern, traditional, and especially beds and bedding. Women have the most comfortable beds. They know what thread count sheets to get, what comforters are softest, and which pillows (and how many pillows for that matter) are most comfortable. I don’t know how these women wake up in the morning. There’s a reason so many women insist on hooking up at the guy’s house — they don’t want any foreign substances on their nice sheets, and they are willing to sacrifice additional sex coma comfort.

All that said, I’ve realized I need to enlist a wife or some other intimately involved female as part of my home redecoration project. Even a rent-a-wife, so to speak. I think those are called escorts, but I’m not intimately familiar with that whole subculture anyways. I would assume a woman intimately involved is a better choice since they have a stake in the game. All I know is that I quite literally know nothing about decoration and I just want it to look like a grown-up lives there. Is that too much to ask? Just let me keep my Terrapin brewery wall mounted beer bottle opener and my Xbox One.

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"Technically, Pablo Escobar was in sales."

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