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It’s only been about half a decade since I graduated college, got a real job, and moved into my deluxe apartment in the sky. Like many who have bought houses or condos or have moved into apartments, my first furnishings were hand-me-downs from my parents that didn’t really go together or fit the rooms. A Queen Anne four post bed. An antique armoire. A hardwood desk from the 1970s. A worn leather couch. A random Persian style rug. A converted TV stand. Anything my parents had that they didn’t want. To the trained eye it was a hodgepodge of random furniture filling empty space, but to any young bachelor all that matters is that the furniture has some remaining utility.
A single man will run a couch into the ground before buying a new one. Stains, tears, more stains, and slight odor be damned. We’ll also sleep on a mattress without a bed frame if completely necessary. Especially in the case of a tight, recent grad budget. However, recently, after a visit from my parents and the resulting nagging to get my shit together, I decided to redecorate my condo. I would like to make it look less like the annex of a low tier fraternity house and more like the condo of a relatively successful (read: pushing 30+) young professional. I had the place painted a neutral gray and then headed out to do the furniture store tour. It was at this moment that I realized that I need a wife.
Men generally don’t know shit about decorating. We look for durability, functionality, and price. Women, on the other hand, seem to know everything about decorating. There are probably millions of Pinterest boards out there where women post their ideas for decorating their current or future home. They know what’s trendy. They know what colors go together. They know accent pillows, wall art, candles, antiques, modern, traditional, and especially beds and bedding. Women have the most comfortable beds. They know what thread count sheets to get, what comforters are softest, and which pillows (and how many pillows for that matter) are most comfortable. I don’t know how these women wake up in the morning. There’s a reason so many women insist on hooking up at the guy’s house — they don’t want any foreign substances on their nice sheets, and they are willing to sacrifice additional sex coma comfort.
All that said, I’ve realized I need to enlist a wife or some other intimately involved female as part of my home redecoration project. Even a rent-a-wife, so to speak. I think those are called escorts, but I’m not intimately familiar with that whole subculture anyways. I would assume a woman intimately involved is a better choice since they have a stake in the game. All I know is that I quite literally know nothing about decoration and I just want it to look like a grown-up lives there. Is that too much to ask? Just let me keep my Terrapin brewery wall mounted beer bottle opener and my Xbox One. .
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@5OClockShadow_
Put it in the bio of your swipey dating app of choice. Seriously.
Can confirm. This entire article is basically catnip for chicks.
None of our money, all of our input and asserting control over a physical place… That’s the dream.
Jesus Christ this hit way too close to home for a Tuesday. I finally moved into my own place with my dog and no roommates for the first time since freshman year of college, and I got excited about buying a nice vacuum. Shit, I’m still excited about it. I haven’t even gotten close to thinking about decorating…
Last night was my first night getting home from work to “our” new apartment. I have to say, busting my ass all weekend to get the place settled before she took over decorating was 100% worth it. A woman’s touch just makes it feel like a home. Added bonus, different candle scent in each room (makes this life worth living)
$250 hardwood/carpet convertible vacuum, used three times in a year.
Redecorating as we speak. The rooms that I’m actually doing look good. Then there’s my TV room which is painted really well and looks great…with a giant leather chair and a forest green crushed velvet (?) couch ruining everything that I’ve done.
Sup?
i believe the term you’re looking for is “interior decorator”
My brother, who is 31, just got his first bed frame since college I’m pretty sure. My parents agreed to make a new mattress his one Christmas gift but their only condition was that he had to buy a bed frame.
One of my buddies is married to a designer. Best $400 I ever spent. Just like renting a wife but cheaper and less stress.
Not a professional interior decorator but I can help with that for sure.
The unmentioned benefit of decorating as a married couple is all the shit you can put on your wedding registry. Bedding, barware, vacuum (I see you ASpookyGhost), etc. etc.
I’m starting to think I didn’t get the complete female DNA. Reading this article gave me anxiety…I’m not qualified to decorate anything. I’d rather drink beer and watch baseball than shop for furniture or pick paint colours.
1. Excellent choice on the color (presuming its a light gray).
2. First priority is to determine what your ‘style’ will be. Do you want the cool modern bach pad, the rustic man cave, the homey ‘female’s touch’, or any other preference.
3. Pick one thing to tie a room together. A material, color, pattern, whatever.
4. Only have 1 or 2 accent pieces in a room. If you have the most unique couch with the most unique coffee table and unique credenza and unique entertainment center it is too much.
5. Ask for help if needed, but make sure you have your preferences in mind, you don’t want them decorating your home in only their style.
3) Like a rug? Those tie rooms together pretty well, or so ive been told