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Happy Bachelorette Monday, everyone. None of us have any idea how our 401Ks are doing, or what Trump and The Mooch are up to, but I guarantee we all know who’s still vying to become Rachel Lindsay’s
fiance Instagram sponsorship partner in crime. We’re also acutely aware of the fact that one of our favorite summer guilty pleasures, Bachelor in Paradise, is returning in a few weeks. It’s like a live look-in of our own summer shenanigans, except everyone is way better looking, and they don’t have any Scaries to deal with for all of the booze, sex, fighting, and tears jam-packed into a Mexican vacation.
But… BUT, I think I’m out on BiP this season. We all know what went down with Corinne and DeMario, how it almost ruined the show forever. Somehow the show clung to life and managed to pump out content for us (because content never sleeps and content also never backs away from sexual misconduct allegations, apparently). The reason I say I’m passing on the show this August is because a report came out saying that even though they still carried on with filming, they put in a bunch of rules and regulations and kind of made the show sucky.
Bachelor Nation already knew that Bachelor in Paradise is coming back in just a few weeks, but fans might be tuning into a very different show. According to E! News, cast member Vinny Ventiera says that the production team is coming down hard with new rules after what happened between Corinne Olympios and DeMario Jackson earlier this summer.
Fans of the show know that a lot of alcohol gets tossed around. As a sort of social lubricant, it helps the cast loosen up and certainly plays into how open and inhibition-free certain scenes can get. But that’s the first thing to get reigned in. Venteira, who appeared on JoJo Fletcher’s season of The Bachelorette, told E! that now there’s a limit to just how much each cast member can drink. In fact, the crew is keeping actual tabs on everyone.
“The most significant change was we had a limit on what we could drink,” Ventiera said. “We were only allowed two drinks per hour so every hour, we’d have a log and we’d go up there and get two drinks.”
And because rumors around Olympios’ ability to give consent were what some cited as the reason production shut down back in June, all hookups have to be in front of the camera. No sneaking off, no secret rendezvous and definitely no questions when it comes to yes or no.
Venteira also mentioned that the show’s production got cut from an 18-day affair to just 10.
I want my money back. At least they told us about it before the show aired so I can at least mentally prepare. It’s like if we were promised a reality show about Arizona State and somehow the producers audibled over to a reality show about fucking BYU. Drink limits? Two drinks per hour?! What is this, a middle school dance? A reality show for chaste virgins?! If I’m giving up two hours of my summer PER WEEK to devote to watching this shit, I want to see them funneling bottles of Patron, not having to use fucking drink tickets and going up to Jorge the Bartender like the little orphan Oliver begging, “Please, sir, I want some more.”
And sex now HAS to be in front of the camera? I mean, sure, that means the chances of a sex tape leak skyrocket, but it risks everyone being gun-shy. I want to see these people humping like those Marsupial rats in Bad Boys II, not doing it through a sheet like the ultra-Orthodox because they’re a little camera shy.
Last but not least, they’ve basically halved the damn show! 18 days down to 10? What a joke. 10 days isn’t long enough for people to
fall in love and get engaged fight over the same woman, break hearts, shed tears, cause drama! Just as things start to get going, they’re gonna wrap production.
I feel like my grandfather, but instead of walking uphill in the snow both ways to school in June, back in my day Bachelor in Paradise was a drunken shit show for almost three weeks of debauchery, not a heavily monitored adult summer camp for rehabbing addicts like Canyon fucking Ranch.
So, in the words of Shark Tank and Kramer, I’m out. .
Image via Twitter / Bachelor in Paradise