I’m Not In The Market For New Friends

I'm Not In The Market For New Friends

Don’t let this title mislead you. I don’t have a lot of friends. Very few in fact. I’ve just reached an age where I’m not looking for any new ones.

As a child, it was easy. Were you the same sex and age group as me and we lived within three houses of each other? Boom, we’re friends. Did we play the same sports together? Double whammy: teammates and friends. Did we have one thing we both enjoyed and a million things we didn’t? If that was the case, you were my best friend.

I wish it were still that easy. There’s this term now that’s rapidly growing in popularity: “friend groups.” This is my “friend group” from college; this is my “friend group” from work. Women use it more than men (I’ve done the research) and it’s usually spoken aloud while planning somebody’s large birthday dinner at a restaurant that nobody wants to go to.

There is no such thing as a “friend group.” There’s just dead weight you haven’t gotten rid of yet. “Well, I still hang out with her because we sat near each other in the office three jobs ago. She’s a huge bitch.” “Oh, that dude’s my college ex-girlfriend’s friend’s ex-boyfriend. He comments on my Facebook photos a lot so I figured he deserved a wedding invite.”

Hack these clowns off like they’re diseased limbs. They’re not bringing anything to the table and you’re only keeping them around to be polite. I have a strict No Assholes policy when it comes to my friends: nobody is allowed to be a bigger asshole than me.

My favorite are the couples who think they’re friends. “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with my best friend!” We’ve talked about this a few times on the podcast but you are not friends with your bf/gf/fiancée and you will never be friends with them. Strip away all your history and emotional connection with that person and ask yourself if you’d objectively want your significant other in your inner circle. I thought so. Don’t get me started on how men and women can’t actually be friends either. That’s an article for another time.

I regularly tell the Capital R Roommate that we’re not friends. After the initial shock and tears she’s gotten used to the idea three years later. I like to remind her “I have enough friends, I don’t need another one. Now get back in the kitchen and make me a san…” and then she punches me in the sternum.

By “enough friends,” I mean enough to count on one hand. The four guys I consider my real friends, I’d run into traffic for them. I only see them once a year at Christmas and even that’s sometimes too much. Outside of them, I have really zero interest in getting to know anybody else.

If I meet you now and you’re a good guy who shares common interests with me, that’s great. We should hang. Maybe even play in a fantasy football league. But let’s be honest with each other. The only reason we met was because either we work together or our significant others are friends. You’re not going to know my stories or my jokes and I’m not going to know yours. That’s fine.

Let’s just face the facts together. At the ripe old age of 29, I’ve made all the friends I’m planning on having in this world. I’m fine with it. You should be too.

* * *

The winner of the 5 Star Review contest The Oat joins us this week on Don’t Take It From Us to answer VERY personal questions about JR’s childhood and talk about life as a single man in Chicago. We also get the opportunity to grade Episode 18 guest Ali Hinman’s dating profile in another installment of Bumblebraggin’ and Jenna Crowley goes IN on a shitty boyfriend who tells his girlfriend something no woman wants to hear. Enjoy!

Do you have a dating or relationship question you want answered on the pod? Make sure you send our way! New eps will be released every Wednesday, so check it out on Soundcloud below or on iTunes!

Don’t forget to follow us on Instagram here for a first look at the dating profiles we’re grading and all sorts of content throughout the week!

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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