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There is a very real, very obnoxious health kick going around in these United States today. Seemingly out of nowhere, Americans decided that they should start exercising, eating right, and finally kicking that nasty cigarette habit that has held them hostage for years.
As Americans, we are just now (or I guess in the past few years if you really want to get technical) deciding that this is the perfect time to become fit and active despite the fact that we are once again on the brink of nuclear war.
I’ve got some horrible news for you: those trendy pilates classes you’ve been paying forty bucks a pop for can’t save you from radiation poisoning or a nuclear blast courtesy of North Korea. Just let yourself go if that’s what you want to do. That’s the real American way.
The point I’m trying to make with this is that this health food, “let’s go do some obscure workout and then post it about on Instagram” lifestyle was something I never shied away from making fun of.
It is certainly noble to want to make yourself a healthier person. But look at who you’re reading right now. It’s me. I don’t heap praise on things very often because most things and people for that matter fucking suck.
I’m not some lemming that follows the crowd, and I won’t be bullied into writing happy go lucky “look how wonderful everything in this beautiful world is” articles.
So I guess it was only natural that I would scoff, chortle, and roll my eyes the first time someone introduced me to Kombucha. It was a hungover Sunday morning, and I was drinking ice water on my couch while a friend slowly sipped an ice cold Gingerade Kombucha from a glass bottle. “Try this. It’s the best,” she said in an excited voice.
At first sip, I was disgusted. At second sip I was starting to come around. By my third sip my taste buds were screaming with delight and I was all in on the magic that was Kombucha. Flavors for days (although Gingerade is the best and you won’t find a Kombucha fan who disagrees).
It’s fermented tea with sugar which, when mixed together are a vinegar-y, probiotic delight. I’m not even really sure what the hell probiotics do for the human body, but I know they’re good for you and I know that a glass of Kombucha has more health benefits than a simple glass of ice water.
Vinegar-y is unfortunately the best way to describe what Kombucha tastes like, and I realize it sounds daunting but once you try it you’ll more than likely be in love.
I know there are a lot of people scoffing at this right now. It’s a trend and I understand that. It’s very against my brand to start running with the crowd on Kombucha. And worst of all? It’s a beverage that falls under that health food active lifestyle umbrella. These trends are, for the most part, unsavory.
It’s on par with eating raw kale as a snack or putting your smoothie in a bowl. But I promise that once you start drinking Kombucha on the regular you won’t reach for another beverage when you’re looking to quench your thirst.
It’s a drink that haters will see in your palm and think “Oh, this fucking guy.” It’s also a drink that non-haters will look at and say “Oh, this fucking guy. My man. Drinking Gingerade like a true champion.”
I’m Koming everyday and it feels fucking fantastic. Now maybe if I push this shit like I did [name redacted] beer, GTS (my favorite brand of Kombucha) will give me a motherfucking sponsorship..
Image via Shutterstock
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jduda@grandex.co
You got a cease and desist order from Anheuser-Busch, didn’t you?
We the people demand answers
Tried it out of curiosity, thought it was nasty. I never understood weird health trends. It’s not that hard to be healthy and it doesn’t need to be so pricey and complicated. Portion your meals, everything in moderation, and stay active. You don’t need to spend hundreds of dollars on orange theory fitness and drink nasty fermented tea to be healthy and look good.
Not to say losing weight is easy because it’s not. Neither is having your sculpted dream body. But being overall healthy, not as complicated as people make it out to be. IMO.
Losing weight IS easy. Wanted to say this for awhile but didn’t want to be a h”ater” or “shamer.”
Please elaborate
Just get your weight loss tips from emaciated people with no food supply. Once we’ve destroyed our own, we’ll all be skinny winners for a very short amount of time!
I’ve lost 90 lbs since college football. Just do exactly what the nurse said. If you have an inkling of self-control it is easy, portion control and limiting drinking is how you do it.
Well if a college athlete can get in shape, anybody can do it!
I was an Offensive Lineman, a guy that loves to eat and drink massive quantities. If I can do it, the average person should as well.
Athlete or not, if you want it, you’ll do it.
My girl pays for those Orange Theory classes. She enjoys them and always has a good workout. I’m on your side though of just staying active but hey she can afford it and it keeps her in good shape so I’m not gonna complain about it.
What kind of serial killer puts a smoothie in a bowl
every health food/fitness blogger in the world is doing this right now
The question still stands.
Kombucha will make you fart yourself inside out.
This describes my only experience with This awful beverage
I have never agreed with you so vehemently on something before, Duda. Started drinking Kombucha like 3 years ago and its done wonders for my digestive ailments. (still not 100% on how its pronounced though)
Gingerade is the shit, as are their more obscure flavors like Hibiscus and Lavender
Literally was going to plug GT’s Gingerade as soon as I saw the headline. Knew you had at least one redeemable quality in you Duda
Craved some kombucha after reading this. Picked up a couple Gingerades. You win.
Honest question, where do you try something like this?
Target, Trader Joe’s, most grocery stores
I tried homemade Kombucha at a Rasta commune once and despite it being tasty and refreshing, I’ll never drink that nasty shit again. “Fermented tea” is code for “nasty fungal urine”. Once you’ve seen the nasty mushroom skin that “ferments” it and watched a crazy hippy chick rub it all over her face, you’ll never touch it again. I’ve got a strong stomach but the flashback still makes me nauseous.
Has naturally occurring alcohol in it. Approved.