I’m A Cryo Guy Now

I'm A Cryo Guy Now

One of my favorite pastimes is squandering cash. Something about that feeling at the end of the week when you open up the BOA app and wonder, “The fuck happened?”; there’s truly nothing like it. And a surefire way to get me to toss trash bags full of cash in the air is for Joe Rogan to discuss it. So let’s talk cryotherapy, guys.

Essentially what’s going on here is you’re standing in a chamber as they blast liquid nitrogen around you for 3 minutes. It sounds insane, and honestly, you’ll probably question your decision making process the first time you’re standing there in socks, mittens, and boxer briefs as your dirty parts shrivel and hide. I’m not even going to paraphrase the science for you. Here it is from my local cryo shop:

During a session, the chamber is cooled with liquid nitrogen to a temperature of around -220° to -240° F and a person spends up to 3 minutes in the cold. As your body is exposed to the cold it reacts by undergoing vasoconstriction and centralizing blood around key internal organs. The blood becomes super-oxygenated and nutritionally rich and resupplies the entire body once a person is removed from the cold. This reduces inflammation, provides a boost of energy and increases the body’s healing properties. The therapy also triggers the release of endorphins which induce analgesia (immediate pain relief). Participants report the experience is invigorating and improves a variety of conditions such as psychological stress, insomnia, rheumatism, muscle and joint pain, fibromyalgia, itching and psoriasis. The pains and signs of inflammation as found in blood tests remain suppressed for weeks. The benefits of whole-body Cryotherapy have been supported by a variety of scientific studies

I’m all-in. I’m at that point in my early-thirties (still early-thirties until 35, IMO) where I’m very self-conscious about losing my edge. Hair? Fuck it. I can always buzz it. But edge? Completely different story. Once it’s gone, some say it never comes back. And even though my cryo place’s target demographic appears to be affluent suburban moms looking to burn some extra calories (apparently like 800 calories, if calories are your thing), I still kinda feel like I’m doing something difficult standing in sub-200 degree temps for 3 minutes. I’m fine with that.

But truthfully, it’s more than that. It’s the aches and pains, man. Call me new age yuppy scum, but anything I can that doesn’t require me popping pills is something I’m interested in. All you young bloods out there who can’t relate- talk to me after your first summer at 28. It’s a whole new ball game at that point. If you think you suck at golf now, just wait until you’re with your boys on the back half of a golf trip. Back to back rounds? Eh, you’re probably okay. But stack one more round in there, and your swing will shorten up like Jon Rahm, but with way less testosterone. Cryo’s great for recovery. I don’t do it after every round, but if I play 27 or 36 in a day, I’m thinking about it.

And the hour after stepping out of the cryo chamber is pure electric, mentally and physically. As the blood rushes back to your extremities after shielding the vitals from the cold, it’s loaded up with anti-inflammatory markers. It’s like your blood drank a bunch of cold brew and ran down to Whole Foods with a black card and came back with all sorts of baller shit. That’s how good you feel.

I recommend it highly. It can be pricey, so look into taking an ice bath or something if you’re trying to yuppy on a budget. And as always, please consult a doctor before you blast yourself with sub-200 degree temps.

Image via YouTube / HBO

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Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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