If You Shop At Whole Foods, Everyone Hates You

If You Shop At Whole Foods, Everyone Hates You

Whole Foods sucks. Let me just come out and say it right now. If you shop there, you’re an idiot, so know that I look down upon you. You might be saying, “Oh, but how can you look down upon me? I’m paying $10 for a jar of peanut butter while wearing my Lululemon.” Yeah, you pompous prick. Stop judging me for being frugal when it comes to my food. I’ve done some extensive research on Whole Foods (I’ve shopped there exactly once) and can honestly say that there is solid evidence to back that Whole Foods is the absolute pits.

I was doing a little shopping there the other night, only because it was the closest store and I was absolutely famished from a long day of work. It took me right back to college. Not because there was a party going on or anything. It was because of the attitudes of the people surrounding me. See, I went to Southern Millionaire University where snobby is the in thing and if you weren’t rich, you didn’t exist. So I know a thing or two about feeling like I’m better than you. But these folks at Whole Foods took it to a whole new level.

As I perused the aisles desperately trying to find something to eat, I came across a woman (likely in her mid-twenties) dressed like she just came from yoga class. As we both sat deciding what to put in our baskets, I jokingly said “$10 for a jar of peanut butter? No wonder this country is going broke.” Instead of laughter, I was met with sheer disgust like I had just insulted her family. Was it because I was rocking old basketball shorts and a t-shirt or because I refuse to pay more than $3 on peanut butter? I’ll never know, but I think it had to do with a combination of both.

It’s that kind of attitude that permeated throughout the store. Every gluten-free aisle I passed, I was given malicious looks like I didn’t belong there. I zoomed right past the fresh vegetables due to fear of being judged to my death. But the worst of it all was when I was at the hot dinner selections. I wanted to try my hand at the mac n’ cheese they had just put out, but when I went to grab the ladle, someone shook their head at me as if to say “don’t do it bud, that’s Whole Foods suicide.” Okay, that didn’t really happen, but I’m sure that someone in that store was thinking it.

See, by shopping at Whole Foods, you’re giving off this holier than thou attitude because you shop healthy and are willing to pay astronomical amounts for it, all while wearing your overpriced workout gear. You are the $30,000 foodie. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. And frankly, it disgusts me. Why shop at a place that’ll be twice as much for the same quality as your local Tom Thumb? It’s mind boggling.

Whole Foods shoppers are part of a cult. They live, breathe, and survive on their organic kale soup, the quinoa, and whatever high-priced things you’ll find in there. Seriously — I saw juice going for around $6 for a 12-ounce cup. JUICE! I settled on a thing of pre-made jambalaya and a turkey and brie sandwich which came to an astounding $18.65. As I walked out the door, I turned around to take a look at what I was leaving behind and thought to myself “Damn, that girl’s ass is phenomenal in those yoga pants. I’ll probably be back tomorrow.”

Image via Susan Montgomery /

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The Therapist

One tall drink of water.

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