If Their Family Is Crazy, They’re Probably Insane Too

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I have one rule when it comes to a suitor’s family. There is so much literature out there on the trials and tribulations of family during the holidays that I’m hesitant to add to the rhetoric. That being said, as it is the ‘meet the parents’ time of year, I feel slightly more warranted in sharing my advice.

If your significant other does not realize that their family members are insane, break up with them. Immediately.

Here’s the thing. Insane families are about as common as chlamydia in a freshman dorm. It’s nothing new. What I have decided, however, is when someone does not recognize that their family is insane, that is where you draw the line.

I will provide two examples.

In college, I dated a boy named Teddy. We were only dating for a few weeks when Teddy invited me to his parents’ house for Thanksgiving. While you think this would be a psycho move, it was actually very kind. I was on the east coast and had nowhere to go. Teddy knew that my only option was going to my professor’s house with a dozen exchange students. So, probably out of mercy, he invited me over to his house for dinner. There was only one caveat.

“My family is insane,” he warned.

True to his word, Teddy’s family was absolutely crazy. Not the big-family, lots of chaos, endearing kind of crazy. They were the only child-obsessed, weird stuffed birds as decor, contrarian and combative kind of crazy. Truly, his parents were marvelously infuriating.

Teddy, his psycho parents, a widowed cousin with a face tattoo, and a man that was his grandmother’s caretaker and is now dating his grandmother, and I all sat around the kitchen table and ate lumpy mashed potatoes while his father told an hour-long story about his first love (not Teddy’s mother). The whole thing was fantastically awkward and yet I left completely content and happy.

I had no idea the extent of dysfunction in Teddy’s family, but in having been warned that they were tremendously off-kilter, I went into the situation at least somewhat prepared. Teddy spent the night shooting me apologetic looks, re-filling my wine glass, and purposefully egging on his mother when she insisted he donate his sperm because of his superior genetics.

“I mean, look at him! Wouldn’t the world be better off with a few dozen Teddy’s running around?” was a thing she actually said.

I left liking Teddy even more than when the night started. I was touched he had invited me to Thanksgiving only a few weeks after knowing me, but also happy to know that he loved his family while all the while being completely cognizant of their psychosis.

Sure, if we ever got married, we’d have to keep the kids FAR away from Aunt Cynthia, but we could always do Christmas with my family in Los Angeles. I could accept crazy in-laws as long as Teddy and I were both on the same page.

In short, I don’t believe in breaking up with someone who’s family you don’t like. Some of the best people come from literal maniacs.

Following Teddy, I dated a boy named Nick, a Bumble date who I’d seen maybe five times. His parents came to town and wanted to take him to a nice dinner. Somehow, they had caught wind of me and had asked Nick if I’d like to join.

“I know we haven’t been going out that long, but my parents are awesome. It would be a fun night, if you want to come. No pressure of course!” is more or less what he said to me.

Now, contrary to popular sentiment, I am all in on meeting a potential suitors family. Honestly, the sooner the better. I do well with parents, mostly because I could talk to a brick wall for hours and still have a good time. So your parents want to take me to dinner and size me up for a few hours? Sure, whatever! At the very least I’ll get free wine out of it.

I went to dinner with Nick’s “awesome parents” expecting just that, awesome parents. What I got, on the other hand, was the weirdest two-hour dinner of my life. Nick’s mother talked for, I kid you not, 20 minutes about how her bowel movements are irregular when she travels.

His father, an extremely conservative man asked if “being bi-sexual was trendy in California high schools.” Apparently one of his college buddies had a daughter that was bi-sexual and he was certain that her California public school education was what had influenced her sexual preference.

I think the last straw was when his mother opted against ordering a third bottle of wine because she was worried Nick and I would do the “boom boom” on the metro.

The whole extravaganza was appalling. The entire evening I kept looking over at Nick, searching for a sign that he was equally as mortified. Finally, when we said goodbye (after his father kissed me on the lips) we walked in silence to the metro.

“Aren’t they great?” was all Nick could say.

Unfortunately for him, Nick fully believed his crazy family was totally normal. So, as per my rule, the only thing to do was end things fast.

See, when someone believes their insane family is not insane, it means one thing; they will eventually be that way. If their version of “normal” is full-blown crazy, they are already indoctrinated to a point of no return.

Nick would eventually be his father and that was the ultimate red flag. It could be in six months or ten years, but if I stayed with Nick, I can say with 100% certainty that he would one day be kissing our children’s significant others on the mouth, loud-whispering racist comments at the dinner table, and lecturing me on consistently taking digestive supplements in front of guests.

When it comes down to it, if we’re dating, I’m not worried if your family is insane. If your sister only eats pickle flavored food, or your mother insists on wearing stick-on cat whiskers around the house, we’ll deal with it. As long as, when your father starts rambling about his miniature hedgehog farm, you look at me full well knowing these people are loopy.

If that is not the case, if you have been hypnotized into thinking bat-shit is the new normal, then I’m so sorry but this Thanksgiving will have to be our last. .

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CallMeVictoria

Life is messy, let's get dirty. itwasvictoria@gmail.com

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