I Watched “Party Down South” So You Will Never Have To

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“Welcome to South Carolina!”

Okay, so I’m not from South Carolina. I’m from the great Commonwealth of Kentucky where we breed beautiful people like George Clooney and Jennifer Lawrence for your entertainment. My family is actually family friends with the Depps, but no, I’ve never met Johnny. We have more barrels of bourbon than we do people and you can learn all about my awesome state through this shameless and completely unpaid promotion and this kick-ass YouTube video.

However, I happened to catch a commercial for a new television show on CMT called Party Down South, and I was intrigued. I had the mental image of four-wheelers with mud flying everywhere, drinking out on the lake, and a guy at a high school football game still wearing his letterman jacket asking his best friend since the womb to “hold his beer” as he beats up some asshole away-team fan in the same parking lot he will be hanging out in later. I’m going to be honest with you, that’s Friday night in small town Kentucky. I was intrigued because I want to know what was so different about this party they’re having in South Carolina.

For background, all you’re going to need to know is: 1.) None of these people are actually from South Carolina, 2.) The youngest person on this show is 21, the oldest person is 33. Reality show? No. This is a documentary on what is going to become of you if you don’t get a job and decide it’s okay to live in your parents’ basement. It’s a cautionary tale that works kind of like how being trapped on an airplane with a screaming, crying child works as birth control.

So I took one for the team and I watched it. I started drinking and I watched it. And this is what I learned:

1. There are a lot of lip tattoos conveniently located on asses. Sometimes there are multiple lip tats per ass cheek, as if to say, “All you bitches can kiss my ass.”
2. Day drinking in lawn chairs is the activity of choice. Once you have reached optimum drunkenness, you can proceed to become nomadic in your drinking.
3. They work at a marina, which means they work at a lake, which means they tan and play on boats all day and get paid for it.
4. Highlights for men are still “in” down there. Frosted tips galore.
5. They describe women like fish. So ladies, if you’re in South Carolina and you’re being called a “marlin,” then get it, girl.
6. You don’t want to be a “flounder,” just F.Y.I.
7. Sobriety tests are different. And by that I mean they like to randomly rattle off the military phonetic alphabet while standing on one leg. For fun.
8. They like sushi, but they don’t like the raw, raw part…
9. 45 is a low number to have in South Carolina.
10. The 5-Second Rule does not apply. Just leave it; they’ll come back for it later.
11. The sound of an orgasm? Duck call.
12. “Dibs” is not clearly defined under “Girl Code.”
13. Men with daddy issues just preferred to be called “Daddy.”
14. If you’re ugly, but there’s a garbage bag within eye shot, there’s still hope for you.
15. You come in as a family. You’re unfortunately going to be leaving the same way.
16. Put the baby in the sling. We’re taking it with us to the bar.
17. You can dance on any table that you want if you have the balance, the will power, and plans on leaving the premises in the very near future.
18. On the Jersey Shore, you “smoosh.” In South Carolina, you “put ‘er in a pretzel.”
19. You get emotional on vodka, but only sometimes. It’s a crap shoot.
20. You still pray to the good Lord up above even if you’re shitfaced. Priorities.
21. Hot tubs are cold? To each their own, I suppose.
22. Nice guys finish last. Drunk nice guys finish on top of the girl who wears her t-shirt into the hot tub.
23. You land your lady with a mating call.
24. You have to verbally notify the other person when sex is over. There is apparently no other way.
25. “Don’t funnel and flip,” are words that actually need to be spoken.
26. They will pray the douchebag out of you. It’s almost like an exorcism, but it’s a lot more slurred and probably won’t work.
27. It’s totally cool to bang someone you don’t know. What’s not cool is when they bang someone else the next night. They don’t appreciate the concept that is the hat trick in Carolina.
28. They don’t make the same mistake once. Or twice. Or even three times. They do it five or six times just to be sure.
29. You aren’t notified of the sexual harassment policy, you ask about it.
30. The dating scene is one giant fishing reference.
31. You get a tattoo that says “TATTOO” across your chest and become white Tupac.
32. Guy Code 101: “You don’t pick up somebody else’s fish and try to mount it on your wall.”
33. Fishing really, truly is the end all, be all of any reference about the opposite sex that you will ever need to make.

What would I give this show? Probably a 1 out of 5. Why? Because if you want to take 4 points off of my IQ, CMT, then I will take the same 4 points away from your rating. I need those 4 IQ points. I need all the help I can get to translate and then understand what these people are saying. You only get the one point because the only sane person on the entire show with manners is a Kentuckian. Save yourselves, don’t watch this, and quit letting America think we want this bullshit as entertainment.

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lnsayers

My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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