I Quit Dating Apps So Now It’s Back To Getting Rejected In Public

I Quit Dating Apps So Now It's Back To Getting Rejected In Public

After a year with my hardcore socialist Bernie-loving girlfriend, things came to a screeching halt a month ago. It ended with another human being saying the following to me:

“I was going to give you the summer to become a better person and then break up with you.”

A couple things:

1) That’s fucking insane; and
2) It’s going to take A LOT longer than the summer for me to become a better person.

I soon found myself a single man once again. As single men do, I turned to online dating. My main two outlets? Tinder and Plenty of Fish.

I had been out of the dating scene for so long that I was disappointed to discover that my mindless swiping had been cut short. Then, Tinder got cocky.

“Do you want to update to Tinder Plus? Only $9.99 a month!”

I faced a dilemma. I could pay that, but I also might have to skip lunch at the end of each month (read: never go into publishing). Was it worth it? I soon decided it was not. I turned to Plenty of Fish, which for the love of everything holy and my fledgling Bank of America account, was free.

I set up a profile. I made it overwhelmingly obvious that I wasn’t looking anything serious. The messages rolled in. Feeling daring and stupid, I would ask girls if they would like to get blackout drunk and watch The Golden Girls. Some laughed, and others actually wanted to watch The Gilmore Girls.

Fuck The Gilmore Girls. Blanche and Rose all day.

It soon became a habit for me. I was checking Tinder and Plenty of Fish every 10 minutes, like some 20-something version of Gollum from Lord of the Rings checking to see if the One Ring was still in sight. It was time-consuming, and, to be totally honest, insanely stupid. I deleted Tinder (again) and then Plenty of Fish. I decided to get rejected in public like The Good Lord intended.

This is not intended as a slam against people who use these sites. Go for it. But when you complain about online dating being shitty (looking at you, everyone who’s posted a Tinder/Bumble/OkCupid screenshot) just realize there’s an entire world out there. It’s worth the effort. Put your phone down once in a while.

Image via Shutterstock

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Parker Jammstein

Stand-up comic. Soccer nerd. Water polo enthusiast. Eater of burritos. NY/NJ.

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