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After a year with my hardcore socialist Bernie-loving girlfriend, things came to a screeching halt a month ago. It ended with another human being saying the following to me:
“I was going to give you the summer to become a better person and then break up with you.”
A couple things:
1) That’s fucking insane; and
2) It’s going to take A LOT longer than the summer for me to become a better person.
I soon found myself a single man once again. As single men do, I turned to online dating. My main two outlets? Tinder and Plenty of Fish.
I had been out of the dating scene for so long that I was disappointed to discover that my mindless swiping had been cut short. Then, Tinder got cocky.
“Do you want to update to Tinder Plus? Only $9.99 a month!”
I faced a dilemma. I could pay that, but I also might have to skip lunch at the end of each month (read: never go into publishing). Was it worth it? I soon decided it was not. I turned to Plenty of Fish, which for the love of everything holy and my fledgling Bank of America account, was free.
I set up a profile. I made it overwhelmingly obvious that I wasn’t looking anything serious. The messages rolled in. Feeling daring and stupid, I would ask girls if they would like to get blackout drunk and watch The Golden Girls. Some laughed, and others actually wanted to watch The Gilmore Girls.
Fuck The Gilmore Girls. Blanche and Rose all day.
It soon became a habit for me. I was checking Tinder and Plenty of Fish every 10 minutes, like some 20-something version of Gollum from Lord of the Rings checking to see if the One Ring was still in sight. It was time-consuming, and, to be totally honest, insanely stupid. I deleted Tinder (again) and then Plenty of Fish. I decided to get rejected in public like The Good Lord intended.
This is not intended as a slam against people who use these sites. Go for it. But when you complain about online dating being shitty (looking at you, everyone who’s posted a Tinder/Bumble/OkCupid screenshot) just realize there’s an entire world out there. It’s worth the effort. Put your phone down once in a while..
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
Parker Jammstein
Stand-up comic. Soccer nerd. Water polo enthusiast. Eater of burritos. NY/NJ.
Look at it this way: your ex-girlfriend is a Bernie-loving socialist. By definition, you’re already the better person.
I wonder which was worse; the political opinions, or the armpit hair?
Fuck your ex-girlfriend, dude.
He probably didn’t, for the last couple of months
Quotes like the one your insane girlfriend dropped on you are exactly why we go on dating app benders. Well deserved.
It honestly got in my head for a while. Like to the point where I’d yell “FUCK THAT I’M A GOOD PERSON” to nobody in particular.
You should have been like “become a better person? Like who? The guy who made himself look like a complete hypocrite by conceding to the very person he railed against? The person who is a cancer to the very country she pretends to be vouching for… (kind of like you with this relationship). Instead of passively trying to make me a better person, maybe you should learn about how the world really operates and then realize that me being a shitty person will actually bode well for me in this bag of dog shit type of world that’s been left at the door step of the universe while on fire and is just waiting to get stomped out into eternal black hole bliss.”
Came here to read your comment, Nived. Bless you.
Tinder and Bumble have done nothing for me. I’d rather get rejected by a girl the old fashioned way, at a bar after I buy her a drink
^This guy gets it.
If only I had received an offer to get black out drunk and watch Golden Girls before I deleted Tinder. That’s an ideal date if I’ve ever heard one.
That would’ve been by-far the nicest offer I ever received on Tinder.
This article is really sad considering the only other article that you’ve written was titled “I Went Door to Door for Bernie Because I Don’t Want My Girlfriend to Leave Me”. Stay strong, man.
This chick sucks and not just because she’s a crazy Bernie supporter. I hope she cries when she sees Hillary at the DNC.
A golden girls and lord of the rings reference in the same article? Parker, you sound like my kind of man. Lol
Have you not heard of Bumble?
Last paragraph!
My bad, bruh.