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As I sat on my couch eating leftover French fries and watching The Bachelorette, I began thinking about a career change. The corporate life is so routine and humdrum. The coffee is stale, the snacks are bland, and I get stuck in traffic a lot. I saw the men on TV living this carefree lifestyle and thought, “Damn, that looks cool.” Sure, it was a bunch of dudes all shamelessly vying for one woman like a bunch of 7th graders who just figured out what grinding was, but America was watching, and damn does that make it cool.
Look, I’m not saying that I’m hanging up the dual monitors and project plans. I’ll always have Google Sheets in my back pocket, and I don’t plan on actively changing that any time soon. But at the same time, I can’t help to think about how well I would do on a show like The Bachelorette if I were cast for the wrong reasons. As a matter of fact, I’m fairly confident that if timed correctly, I could compete on a string of reality TV shows and hold it together until I’m at least 30.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I could probably make this happen. Without giving away too much of my plan to dominate all reality TV shows, I feel like the obvious key is to be overdramatically in love with someone, whether it’s another one of the contestants or the show’s title character. Don’t believe me? Let me pitch you some scenarios until you’re on board.
Survivor
After three weeks of grueling physical tasks like building a shelter, hunting with minimalistic tools, and searching for a clean source of water, Charlie and his ally, Kristen, have started to become more than just that. Cut to Charlie leaning against a palm tree in a confessional.
“I…You know, you can’t plan these things. I think this whole time, Kristen and I have been trying to work together to get as far as we can, but along the way, well…(looks off into the distance) I’m not sure. I think there’s something very real here. It’s only going to get more difficult as we go further into this competition.”
Charlie is blindsided and voted out, with Kristen’s vote being the nail in his coffin.
The Amazing Race
During his nail-biting stint on Survivor, Charlie caught the travel bug. He decided to embark on the adventure of a lifetime, traveling around the world with his best friend in a race against 11-12 teams of two. Along the way, they find themselves battling more with cancelled flights and delayed busses than the actual competition. Cut to Charlie leaning against an airport terminal wall while sitting on the ground.
“It’s so weird. It’s like, every time Chris and I find ourselves with a delayed flight, Rachel and her mom are there too. And, y’know, there’s nothing else to do during that time other than hang out, so…I dunno. I guess Rachel and I are just getting really close. Honestly, I want to ask her out for drinks at the Nairobi airport bar, but Chris convinced me that we have to save our team’s money for taxis once we land in Tehran. It’s going to be really difficult as we go further into this competition—I know one of us is going home, and I hope it isn’t me.”
Charlie’s team has a footrace against Rachel’s team in the final leg of the competition, only to have his best friend trip and fall at the last minute, putting them in second place.
The Bachelorette
It’s been 6 weeks at the Bachelorette Mansion and the group has been narrowed to four. Despite their differences—and all four men aggressively pursuing Lindsey’s heart—Charlie and Ryan seem to have become very close. Cut to Charlie leaning against the bar in the main room of the Bachelorette Mansion.
“Look, I know I’ve said this before on Survivor, and then again on The Amazing Race, but I’m really pretty shocked at how close Ryan and I have gotten during this competition. I’ll be honest, I didn’t come here to make friends. I know I’ve been right for Lindsey ever since I saw her get rejected by Kenny, and I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise. But for some reason, Ryan and I just get each other. He’s one of those dudes who you can just sit and drink a Modelo in silence with, and you’ll feel like you’ve known them for years. I dunno…It’s going to be really difficult now that we’re at the end here because I know one of us is going home. I just hope we can still be buddies after it’s all over.”
Charlie does not receive a rose that evening. Ryan does.
Of course that shit’s cheesy and repetitive, but look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t watch that. What’s better is that it doesn’t have to stop there. The Challenge? Celebrity Family Feud? Fuck, I would probably even be able to find my way on to Real Housewives. I don’t know anything about that show, but I feel like it can’t be that hard to be featured if you’ve been on network TV before.
I’m still not quite at the point where I’m ready to drop everything and become a reality TV star, but if we’re being honest, that day is coming closer and closer. We’ll get there soon enough..
Respond
Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
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Charlie needs to put more eggs in the Big Brother basket. It combines all the isolationist/boredom filled hook-ups of Survivor with an agoraphobic lifestyle.
Then Charlie gets picked for Bachelor in Paradise but the show get cancelled because two other contestants decides to do the no pants dance in broad daylight while Charlie is shown leaning up against the bar drowning his sorrows.
Hmm what would Crick call Charlie? Would he use the ol’ “Sorry Charlie”? We may never know, but now I want to.