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From time to time, most guys will say, “Oh man I suck at golf.” Normally, this comes after an errant shot in the woods, or writing in something less than favorable on your scorecard. But if you play, and have been playing, you’re probably pretty average. A decent adult golfer should be able to hold his own on the course, enough to command some respect from friends or coworkers. Many a business deal has been made on the back nine, and no wedding weekend or reunion trip is complete without a visit to the links. I’ve always admired the game; not just the fact that you get to kick back and drink while doing it, but the challenge of the game itself.
About 11 or 12 years ago, early-teens me chose to stop golfing because it would “interfere with the baseball swing.” And because I was a lazy dumb piece of shit. If I could fire up the DeLorean, the first thing I would do is go back to that guy and tell him, “Keep golfing, it’s god damn fun, you don’t wanna suck when you’re older, and you can’t hit for shit anyways, so you’re going to be a pitcher-only in college.” As I got older, I chose to skip out on golf tournaments and friendly scrambles, with the exception of coming along on a golf cart strictly just to drink. Not being able to play golf was my silent shame.
Since picking up golf a little less than a year ago, I’ve been hooked. But don’t confuse that with being good. I still dread being invited out by clients because they’re going see that even at my age, I’m playing dad golf, and not in a good way. I’m short off the tee, and the closer I get to the hole, the more my game goes to shit. You ever seen Mickelson chip? Imagine the polar opposite of that when I get near the green. Have I putted from rough from 40 yards out? It hurts to say, but you’re damn right I have.
What I think keeps every man going to the range and teeing off on #1 is that there’s always a chance for the next shot to be beautiful. I still suck, but I’m light years ahead of where I was a year ago. The only positive thing I can say about myself is that I’m no longer a constant example of the most miserable golf shots, just an occasional example. I’ve come a long way, but what makes it great/makes you want to snap your clubs is that no matter the progress you make, there is always so far to go.
I can’t believe I’ve been depriving myself for years of the fun struggle of wacking a ball around with little chance of success, all while getting to hang with your friends who are getting tired of your shit.
I’ve put in work on the putting green by dropping a few balls and honing my Spieth-gripped stroke. I’m still a good bet to miss a 5-footer with any pressure on me. The chipping area has become a second home to me over the past few months, and I’m constantly trying different wedges and techniques. My last round I sailed a chip over the green, walked around, and sailed it back over to my original spot. I wasn’t even drunk yet.
I try to practice every club I own at the range as much as possible, and I know that the first step is getting yourself a ball in play off the tee. Well, I couldn’t do it with the driver, so I went to a down a club. And down. And down. Holla at ya boy shamefully hitting a hybrid 3 off the tee a majority of the time because it’s all I can consistently keep in play.
So where am I at? My shameful golf game has left my grateful to break 100 and watching far too many Phil Mickelson YouTube instruction videos when I should be working. Although in some ways, I consider it work, because a quality golf game is working on me and my mental health. I mean, what is a man if he can’t hold his own in a scramble?
Often one of the highlights of my week is when I can go get some work in at the range or go play 18 to wind down the work week. Even though I know I’ll likely spend the entire round balls deep in the sand, hacking furiously at the rough, and mastering my “ahhhhhh didn’t hit that putt enough” grimace and back-lean, I’ll still keep working and golfing as much as I can.
But through it all, it’s worth it when you finally hit that perfect shot that lands where you want on the green and allows you to do the simultaneous club holster/glove pull-off that you’ve been waiting to do. I’m Crash Davis, and if you value enthusiasm and tolerate extremely subpar play, I can be your 4th. .
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
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Great read as always, Crash. I played golf in high school and cannot believe I used to complain about having to play everyday. What I would give to go back in time. PGP
Came here for this. I was our 5 man. I would often skip out on practice to go work, got benched, the new 5 sucked and we didn’t advance in the state tournaments. Fuck you Alex for going to practice but still sucking. Now I hover around a 10-12
Keep your head up. I pass a course on my commute and see all of the senior citizens out there playing every day. Something to look forward to in 40-50 years.
Fuckin’ a man.
I have a Rodney Dangerfield slice. It’s bad.
Don’t be afraid to spend money on lessons. It’s well worth it in the long run.
My first and only lesson I was told to not swing hard so I walked out, what’s the point if you’re not driving for show?
Got one in my first month to give me some idea of mechanics, which helped. Just been picking up tips from buddies who are good ever since.
The worst time I have ever had on a golf course was playing a course that held the PGA championship a few years back (a family friend is really into golf and erroneously thought I would be a suitable 4th) I shot a 193 for a single round. I guess I just don’t deserve to golf nice places.
If golfing isn’t the best thing ever, I don’t know what is
Smack one down the center. Skrew it up on the short game. My golf game.
The key to owning being a bad golfer is to have a good golf joke telling how bad you are.
Or overcompensate by drinking too much.
The jokes help, but being a bad golfer myself, I find being honest about it playing as fast as possible is key. I’m also a hell of a lag putter and have shown many a line in the corporate scrambles.
Playing golf at a young age is the gift that keeps on giving. I was fortunate enough to play in college and everyday my teammates and I would play a practice round for beer money that night. I got to travel all across the southeast playing amazing courses and eating country club food. The lifestyle is unrivaled in collegiate athletics. After all, what other sport is set up where your daily practice is something that the average person pays a lot of money to do? College for me was a 4 year golf trip with the boys. Now I play in corporate outings alongside my company’s executives as their ringer at a bunch of outings they get invited too. I never experienced Friday night lights and that feeling of running out on the field in front of thousands of screaming fans, but this life is a solid alternative. Introduce your kids to golf. From 5 years old until death it’s an amazing skill to have.
I already got Crash Jr. a toddler set of plastic clubs. He hit me in the shin with his putter yesterday.
If you ever have a daughter it’s the easiest scholarship in the entire world. If she can break 80 regularly she can play D1 all over the place.
This is about 72% of my “college savings plan”.
Let me tell you ive got a wicked slice cause of the baseball swing. The ball has a left turn signal out of the tee box
I’m a solid has-been 5 handicap. Any struggling player needs to invest into a really forgiving 3 hybrid. (Adams and Taylormade are good ones). Put a medium oversized grip on it. Become best friends with that club.