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I Have Some Horrible News To Share With You

I Have Some Horrible News To Share With You

Alright, you guys. I hope you’re sitting down. I have received word earlier today and I don’t know how anyone is going to take it. It’s days like today that make you grateful for the time you got to spend with friends and family and really enjoy living life to your fullest while you can.

It’s with a very heavy heart that I tell you all… the teachers have declared that summer is over on social media. Like the Maesters sending out white ravens to signal that winter has come, all of your favorite Miss and Mrs. tweeted, snapped and Facebooked that summer has come to a cruel, abrupt end. You will not see the sun for nine months.

I could hardly believe the news when I heard it. The same people who we have watched live out a three-month long vacation on Snapchat were breaking the horrible news that everyone’s favorite season had come to an end. No more barbecues. Baseball? Canceled. Good luck trying to pry anyone away for a weekend at the lake. Summer’s over, folks. Get back to work. If a teacher is working, you better damn well be working just as hard as they are.

School’s back in session. There will be no more terra cotta 85-degree sunsets that leave you awestruck. There will be no more lazy days by the pool. And most importantly, there will be no more fucking fun. Pack away those bikinis. Cancel all travel plans. The teachers went back to work, you guys.

Please tell Selena Gomez to stop releasing bangers, because the competition for Song of the Summer has been officially closed. These people now must return to their classrooms and reignite their reigns of terror over the youths of America with busy work, drilling for state testing and teaching them how to depend on the government for the rest of their life.

Just like how you tyrannically line your children up for lunch at 11:45 am on the button, you are telling the rest of us to line up for the death march towards another dark, miserable winter. You clench your grip tighter, while your insatiable lust for power has grown stronger in your three months away from the eager, impressionable minds of your students ready to consume the handfed slop from your mighty, union-protected hand.

Not me. You will not dictate my life. Summer is only over when I decide it’s over. I will fight you tooth and nail to protect my rights as a summer-enjoying citizen. I am free from the tethers of scholasticism and no longer fear the threat of truancy. I am an independent grown ass citizen of the United States of America and I will not be intimidated. Not by you. Not by anyone.

You will not win. Try you might, you will not win. We march onward.

Note: Teachers, if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t know how to write or read or do any cool stuff. I love you. Have a wonderful school year.

Image via Shutterstock

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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