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Babies. Everywhere I look. Babies. Scrolling through the ‘gram? Babies. Running through Twitter? Babies. Casual YouTube browsing on the clock? Laughing babies. Family gatherings? Babies everywhere. Facebook? Well, we all know that our newsfeeds makes an argument to change the sites name to Babybook. I see babies walking around the neighborhood, I see babies at the grocery store, I see babies at the gym, and now I’m starting to see babies in my dreams. At this point, I realized I might actually be crazy so I had to hit up WedMD and do some research. Turns out I’ve got it pretty bad.
I have baby fever.
I don’t care if you’re one of those people that hates kids or never sees yourself with kids. You’ve got your own opinion, but there’s a lot of us out here that are suffering from this epidemic called “baby fever.” It’s not easy to cure, and it’s a problem. While you may suffer from I-hate-babies-and-I-am-an-awful-person-because-of-it syndrome, some of us are out here just trying to find a baby to wave at or to play with. I would literally babysit for free. I just want to hang out with babies all the time. Just watch this video.
There’s something about a baby’s laughter that is medicinal. Baby laughter can cure depression and it might even cure cancer. Back in college, I went through a finance class that was hell. Multiple nights a week I would be up until 1 or 2 in the morning trying to figure out what I was doing with my life. On the verge of an emotional meltdown, I did what any college kid would do. I procrastinated. You ever go on a YouTube binge where when you’re finally done you don’t even remember how you got there? That’s how I went on a baby rampage and found that video.
Crash and I Snapchat on the reg. Most of the time, it’s snaps of Crash Jr. doing Crash Jr. stuff like watching Curious George. Chilling with my mini-me while watching Curious George sounds like a great relaxing end to my rough work day. Sure, you gotta feed the baby and clean the baby and do all the other responsible stuff, but Curious George while chilling on the couch sounds ideal.
I know what you’re thinking. I’m only thinking of all the pros. I’m forgetting about losing sleep, changing diapers, baths, childcare, food, and all the money that I’ll be shelling out. I’ll miss out on a lot of “bro-time” and other crazy nights. I’ll miss out on enjoying my 20s. I would gladly just be the chill uncle, but unfortunately, I’m the oldest sibling and I have zero nieces and nephews.
That’s one of the main effects of baby fever. You don’t consider every factor. I’m only thinking about all the benefits here and that’s okay. Babies make me happy and that’s all I care about. Have you ever seen a baby at a restaurant just stare you down and then smile at you? It’s a feeling of joy. I smile back every single time. Sometimes I get weird looks because I’m a very large man, but who cares. I have baby fever and I can’t help it. Being a grown man with baby fever is a very serious issue and I just needed to come out and come clean to y’all.
Why don’t I just have my own baby? The cards aren’t in place right now. Whenever I do get my own, he/she is going to have the best damn life possible, I can guarantee you that. I’m sure eventually I’ll sack up and throw a ring on my girlfriend’s finger and so on and so on, but until then I’ll keep dreaming. I’ll keep living my life and try to keep my condition at bay. One day I’ll be cured but until then I’m just a grown man with serious baby fever.
But if anyone needs a babysitter, holla at your boy. .
Image via Shutterstock
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@delph_13
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My wife and I got asked by 6 separate people when we are having one of our own this past weekend at a birthday party for our friend’s 1yr old. A resounding gut laugh is all they got in response. Sorry for your condition, praying for you.
Use a condom, rescue a puppy.
Just rescued a puppy, still don’t use condoms. PGPM.
*Stay on the pill, rescue a puppy
If there’s a baby that exists that I can’t make giggle, I haven’t met it yet. Other people’s kids are the coolest. The thought of having my own is pants-shittingly terrifying.
Pants-shittingly. I like it
Terrifying.
Babies are awesome to hang with no doubt but then I look at the state of the world and the human race and then I’m like nah, there’s no future for our generation let alone a younger one. If you’re gonna have a baby, please let it know immediately that they are entering a world of temporary workers and sinking lands. Actually, just start trying to find employment now for your unborn. At least be a good parent and take your baby to Disney World before it is submerged under ocean water mixed with oil and old people in golf carts. Just get a dog and be happy you ungrateful fucks, dogs come with the instincts to know how to swim so you got that covered and they don’t need to go to college or find jobs and they can’t tell you stupid things once they get older and they chill hard for like a solid 12-15 years.
I was waiting for your comment.
I’m in a pickle man, I’m caught between being pro-baby but also being anti corporate sponsored imperialistic evil and economic slavery/meager office life for 50 years as the continuing future of human existence. But seriously, I’m a huge fan of baseball catch in the backyard so it’s hard to decide.
These pessimistic quotes make me feel good about myself. Keep up the good work.
Most optimistic people I know now are too busy trying to sell me detox drinks and Herbalife so fuck them.
I didn’t think anyone who thought like this frequented these lands…
Baby on the way in three weeks. Still not positive I’m thrilled to be adding another human to the planet. But, my wife really wanted one, so I’m along for the ride.
A gay couple that lives in my ‘hood asked me how I felt a few weeks back. I gave my first honest “Meh” to that question, felt like they might understand better than some others who’d asked. Felt great to be honest about it. Think it’s much harder for the guy to be excited ahead of the birth, as we’re not carrying a rock in our bellies for 9 months.
Also…I already have two dogs and two cats.
Best of luck dude.
Anyone suffering from baby fever is more than welcome to babysit for me on any weekend of their choosing.
You know I’m down.
Crash if you were in StL, I’d babysit so you could hit on some single moms and make your own modern-day Brady Bunch.
I might be alone that I really dislike being around little humans who are younger than 5. But goofing off with a 5-16 year old kid is going to be bliss as an uncle
You’re not alone. I don’t want to take care of something that still shits its pants when he’s sober.
See I hate kids from about 7-18. Once they hit that age, they’re real lippy and think they know everything. Before that age they’re cute and inquisitive. After that age they start realizing they don’t know everything and become less insufferable.
Teenagers are the worst thing god ever did to humanity. I have taught at all levels…and I far and away HATE middle school kids the most. Like 6-9th graders (it’s a unique middle school). Such shitheads.
Just last week I saw two teens doing parkour. “Hey, be careful…there’s a broken bottle on the ground right there.” Directly beneath where they were trying to balance on the handrail. They just looked at me, said nothing. Bastards.
Which reminds me, picked up some hotdogs an old dude in line behind me at the grocery dropped on Saturday. He didn’t thank me, just talked about how he can’t bend over and knew he dropped them. Bastard!
I teach middle school. I actually enjoy it, 90% of the time they are unique and hilarious creatures. However, by now they have checked out, can’t say I blame them, and impossible to work with and teach.
I see what you’re saying and respect that, but for some reason all of the things that make you want to have a baby turn me away from the idea. I’ve never been able to explain why, though. I just genuinely do not want my own kids.
#DadLyfe
I have a friend that has a young daughter and I enjoy seeing the snapchats of the cute things she does but I’m not ready for the dad life yet