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I’ve got another confession to make, and no, I’m not getting the best of you.
It’s not herpes, HIV or a child on the way. This issue is far simpler and mostly just an inconvenience, but I feel like others have this problem and we need to bring it to light: I have a big head AND a pretty damn big ass. Some people have a big head or a large ass, but I got double fucked in the genetics department and ended up with both.
I don’t want to give the impression that I look like Big Head Mode in Goldeneye is enabled; my large head is proportionate to me, not like some Easter Island monstrosity and certainly not a five head. I’ve been told by women that they wish they had my ass, though, and it’s even gotten me laid.
I got my first taste of having a large melon right from the start, as I come from a long line of people with big heads and large asses. I was a C-Section baby, although I was a very average sized infant. I came out of the birth canal at around seven pounds, but looking at my baby pictures, I couldn’t imagine my poor mother passing that boulder. I don’t blame her for opting for an alternative way to pass my big ass head. Even if she could have passed my dome, my ass would have gotten stuck and they’d probably have had to work some magic to pull me out.
Having a big head is a pretty major inconvenience. Any sport I’ve ever played that required a helmet, which is like all of them, also required me to adjust it to fit. This meant having to unscrew it in the store to try to get it on my skull. Even finding a hat that fits is an arduous task. They either look like I’m wearing a yarmulke or they are massive and I look like Dark Helmet from Space Balls. I recently lost (I was drunk at a tailgate) the only hat that I ever really liked, so finding a replacement has not been easy. That “one size fits all” is pure fantasy and absolute bullshit.
Having a large ass isn’t nearly as bad. Every seat is comfortable, I can box people out who are half a foot taller with ease, and my hip check was lethal. In high school, we got hazed something fierce (I was a 4th line practice dummy as a freshman). Among the harsher hazing, the upperclassman used a broken goalie stick (Google this if you don’t know) with holes drilled in to minimize drag. Guess whose ass shattered the damn thing at the handle? My party trick used to be letting people wind up as hard as they want, and still to this day, that goalie stick was the only thing that caused me any sort pain. I have a friend who is built like Mr. Mackey, and I have no idea how he doesn’t fall into the crapper with his two russet potato sized ass cheeks.
On the shittier side, I am only able to wear certain kinds of pants because my thighs and ass are tree trunks (basically Martin St. Louis but a bit taller). Even to this day, I always get my pants a size larger to fit me. In 2016 alone, I lost three pairs of pants to splitting, and pleated pants are completely out of the question. Every day was a struggle, “Would my crotch split open and my sack spill out of my pants?” Ask me how I know this feeling, because it has happened more than once.
While my laughably large ass and head are sometimes an inconvenience, I wouldn’t want it any other way. I guess I’ve grown accustomed to the lifestyle and everything that comes with it. There are a few perks, like being able to hold up a towel solely because my ass doubles as a shelf, or that because I have a big head I have way more room to house my probably large brain that I haven’t ruined with copious amounts of alcohol or CTE from all the years of contact sports. The way I see it, it could be worse. I could have been born without knowing good pizza..
Image via Shutterstock
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Madoff
I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.
@BLMInvestment
Guys should aspire to a Sidney Crosby ass. Sid’s got it going on.
i enjoy all the hockey references in this post.
I can promise you, it’s pretty big. I thought Crosby was in the 6 foot range so I guess we are similar builds. I have a men’s league tournament in Pittsburgh at the end of March if you want to see the real deal haha.
haha i just followed you on twitter. except i never post anything on there.
i think sid is like 5’11? i met him and was wearing like 3″ heels and we were the same height. and no, i don’t have the pic framed and on my desk at work or anything…
Just got word from Dave that Will is homeless. Thinking about setting up a gofundme for him but he is only allowed to buy camping gear and live in Dillion’s front yard. I call it– urban camping.
Are you being serious?
I’m not, not being serious.
No rooms available at the local Beta House?
Played football with a guy who had a massive dome. They had to special order his helmet. We called him bucket.
Can confirm chicks love a nice ass and thick thighs, for example when I see Mike Trouts trunk all I can think is he must really know how to thrust.
I can feel the pain…i lost the only had i’ve ever liked and actually fit my big
ass head a few weeks ago and i’ve been lost. Feel the pain of not being able to wear straight leg jeans and always having to rock some type of relaxed fit cause apparently pants aint made for guys who dont skip leg day.
Pics of said ass?
Follow me on Twitter and I can make it happen.
For jeans – Levi 508 – Made for people with tree trunks for thighs and huge asses that still want a straight legged jean. Discontinued on Levi’s site but can still buy them on Amazon and on the Kohl’s site.
The 541 athletic fit or any of the stretch fits are good options too
The 541’s are the only jeans I’ve ever found that fit me. Still looking for a hat that doesn’t make me look ridiculous.
Yeah 541’s are the best.
Go check out bigheadcaps.com. They have hats on there made for big heads. They’re blank, and they have some patches you can pick out. They put the patch on for free. Not all of the patches are that great though. A couple of goods ones.
I don’t want to hear it. I’m 5’5 with a 33 waist and ’18 neck. When getting measured, the guy literally called over his co-worker who, “had to see this.”
Can confirm. <3 you Madoff
I’m just happy to have street cred since you’re one of the few that have met me personally. The love goes right back to you!
Got fitted for a suit and the guy getting measurements told me I had a “large seat.” Not sure if should have taken that as just s statement or a weird compliment.