As I’m sure many of you other sedentary office drones can relate, outside of borderline alcoholism, exercise is the chosen stress relief and escape from daily life. When searching for a gym, there are a number of things to consider. Is this a friendly place? Does it have the amenities I need? Is it affordable? And so on. I found what I thought was the perfect place for me, but I have seriously come to hate it.
My current gym is attached to a local university. And not some janky one either, but a Division I NCAA Championship-winning one, so you know the facilities are legit. They have everything I want and need in a Swoley Temple, most notably multiple basketball courts with solid pick up competition and one of the nicest swimming pools in the entire state.
However, things began to grate on me. Most notably the people.
The things I’ve seen there have surely made our Lord and Savior Brodin shed tears from his throne in Swolehalla. I’m talking about the entire Rugby team dominating benches solely for the purpose of comparing matches on their hookup apps. I’ve seen guys doing tricep extensions in the squat rack so they can watch their arms in the mirror. One time, a guy got on a treadmill next to me to only walk at a leisurely pace while he played Clash of Clans for 40 whole minutes. Nobody, and I mean nobody, has ever properly re-racked a dumb bell at this place.
Furthermore, you’d think that exercising at a university would at least lend itself to some attractive scenery. Normally this is true. The best shape I’ve ever been in happened during the six months that I had a membership to SMU’s gym. Unfortunately, the one I go to now is not populated by attractive females (but ladies, there are a ton of dudes to get your motivation going). This came to a full-on crisis when I scoped someone on an elliptical machine from behind that turned out to be a guy with a man bun.
To combat these disastrous circumstances, I’ve taken to going to the gym early in the morning (because no college kids are ever at the gym before 8 a.m.) and cutting my workouts short. It’s something, but it doesn’t avenge the feelings of being swolepressed. The only thing that keeps me going is White Zombie’s “More Human Than Human” on repeat and the faith that one day I will find a gainful paradise..
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