I Got Fucked Up On Cold Brew And I’ll Never Go Back

I Got Fucked Up On Cold Brew And I’ll Never Go Back

The Uber dropped me off at the Phoenix office at 9:04 a.m. MST. My boss told me that he would meet me in the lobby at 9:30, so I had some time to kill. I walked through downtown Phoenix feeling the mild 70 degree weather on my skin. As I strolled through the widespread streets, I realized that I hadn’t really eaten anything yet. Normally I’ll have something light in the mornings, like a bagel or some fruit. But yesterday, I wandered into a place called Kaleidoscope Juice and picked up a 16 ounce cold brew for the first time ever.

This really took me out of my comfort zone. I’m normally a hot coffee guy. Coming from Chicago in the winter, we really need something steaming hot and full of caffeine to get us up in the morning. Things are different here. Coffee doesn’t need to be hot when the average weather allows for you to wear jeans and a tee shirt for the majority of the year. You can throw some ice in it. Cool it down. Feel refreshed while you’re waking up, ready to come at the day in a collaborative sense rather than a combative sense.

I’ve never done heroin before, but from what I gather it’s a relatively addictive substance. The closest thing that I’ve experienced that I could compare it to? Mother fucking cold brew coffee. Holy shit. I don’t know the exact science behind this, but it seems to me that by serving coffee cold, it concentrates the caffeine and shoots it straight into your heart like the adrenaline shot scene from Pulp Fiction. I loved it. It took me roughly 5 minutes to walk from the office to the coffee place. The return trip took 2.

I couldn’t stop. The office I’m working out of has three cold brew taps. Since it’s not hot, I didn’t feel the need to call it quits. I cleared out my inbox in less than 20 minutes. I finished an entire draft of a project in less than three hours. There was actually a point where I was in a one on one meeting with my counterpart and I had to stand up to pace around the room. Ideas were flowing out of me like I was the Oroville Dam. I just couldn’t stop.

Was I having heart palpitations by noon? Sure. Who among us hasn’t? That’s just your body reminding you that you’re pushing your own limits, which is ideal if you’re trying to shoot for success. I don’t think I’ll go back to the old ways. I honestly think that I am my best self when I’m fucked up on cold brew. Hot black coffee is the drink of moody high school kids who are pissed at their parents for not driving them to Hot Topic. Cold brew coffee is for forward thinking, ambitious young adults who work hard and play harder.

I’ll take a cold brew from here on out, thank you very much.

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Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at or whatever.

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