I Fell Off The Wagon And Had An Identity Crisis

I Fell Off The Wagon And Had An Identity Crisis

When you cut certain vices out of your life for a period of time—say, 30 days—there are very clear changes that happen to your livelihood. Some are immediate, whereas others take more time or more prompting to notice. For example, when I cut out Cheez-Itz, I noticed that my pants fit significantly better after the first week.

A few weeks later, I noticed that I had some extra money in my bank account when I hit the bar on a Friday night. It wasn’t anything huge, maybe an extra $20, but that’s something I attributed to cutting out the aforementioned Cheez-Itz. A couple of dollars a day added up over time, and then I was able to buy a drink for the cute girl across the bar.

Those are both examples of positive changes, and as we all know, change is not always for the positive. Over the last week, I’ve noticed a lot of negative changes that have built up over time and are slowly coming to bite me in the ass. They all started with…

I fell off the wagon.

Over the weekend, I took a trip back to visit my college town. Any trip involving your friends from school will typically involve some kind of shenanigans, but going back to the place where you spent the best four years of your life is on a completely new level. The only catch this time was, I’m doing Whole 30 and cutting out basically everything in a college town.

I was head strong. I thought I could do it. I was going to be responsible, drive everyone home, take pictures, and make sure we were all safe at the end of the night. And then my best friend greeted us with two pitchers of margaritas and a basket of chips and queso. All hope was lost.

I checked my bank account.

To be honest, I’m really, really bad with keeping track of my money. Sure, I pay my bills on time and put 20% of my paycheck into savings, but as far as what I’m spending on, I don’t really pay attention. Generally speaking, if it comes time to pay bills and something looks a little bit higher than normal, I usually will just attribute it to some outlying event from that month and cut a check. It’s irresponsible, and I’m working on it.

This morning specifically, I checked my bank account online and, frankly, was confused by a lot of things. For example, the $13 deposit in my account from Chipotle. The absurdly high tip I left at the brewery on Saturday. The deposit from work that seemed to be lower than normal. None of this was what I was anticipating when I started Whole 30, and now I’m questioning my logic.

I had an identity crisis.

I’ve always struggled with change. I don’t know why that is because typically I’m really good at rolling with the punches and coming out on top. I guess the thing that really gets me is drastic change. Coming from high school to college was a nightmare at first, and coming from college to the real world fucking sucked. Those were changes in environment and atmosphere, stuff that I could immediately notice.

What I couldn’t immediately notice was what one of my close friends pointed out to me over the weekend. Apparently—and this was pretty clear to everyone except for me—I’m almost a completely different person now than who I was two years ago. There are some things that I still believe in, but for the most part my outlook on the world has shifted.

The thing is, I like who I am today, but I’m not sure if the person I was two years ago would like me. That’s the shit that keeps me up at night.

I started listening to Spotify’s “Swagger” playlist.

The description reads, “These sexy, high-drama roots and Americana tracks pack some serious Swagger.” I’m honestly not sure how I got here. Probably part of the identity crisis. Either way, this is just a bunch of gritty songs that sound like they would be playing in promotional materials for a southwest cop drama on AMC or FX. If we’re talking about changes in outlooks on the world, this is definitely starting to have an influence on me. Not only in the sense of giving me an “if you don’t like it, fight me” mentality, but, like, I’ve started looking up how much the cost of owning a motorcycle is. It’s bad, guys.

Hopefully next week will be better. Shit needs to get straightened out. Wish me luck.

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Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at or whatever.

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