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Anyone that has come into my orbit within the past month knows that a few weeks ago, I was baptized by the Bravo Gods during my Vanderpump Rules bar crawl. The weekend changed my life in ways only true Bravo fans will understand. I even got a “haha dope thanks” from bartender Adam after sliding into his DMs and sending him a link him my column. I was done.
That is until this morning. At 11:37 a.m., I’m at my standing desk slamming down on my keyboard with a furrowed brow making it seem like I’m doing something important, and I get a text from my friend Allie. “Oh. My. God.” she says, “I think Stassi just talked about you on her podcast.” I choke so hard on my coconut water that people ask me if I need to take a walk outside. “GET OUT. SEND ME THE EPISODE NUMBER. I’M LITERALLY SHAKING.” I responded.
Lo and behold, it is true. On the August 24th episode of Straight Up with Stassi, she mentions me. Not me me, but when she says, “someone came up to me this weekend,” that someone was me. See the transcript below:
Stassi: My least favorite thing [of being famous] is when people have preconceived notions about what you are or, if they’ve only seen one season and it was five years ago, and they think that’s how you are.
Stassi: Like, I had someone come up to me the other day and was like, “Thank you for being the bitch of America that we all want to be.” And I’m like, I don’t pride myself on being a bitch. I don’t consider myself a bitch. Like, I’m not going be like “ohhh yeahhh, power to the bitch.”
Now, my first and only reaction to this was: fuck. Fuck. FUCK. I hurt her feelings. I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings, let alone my biggest Bravolebrity crush. Then I started to feel a little happy because at least she remembered me. But then I felt sad again. So, in a last-ditch effort to save my potential, maybe one day, but probably never, friendship with Stassi, I need to issue her a public apology.
I thought long and hard about what I would say to each cast member of Vanderpump Rules if
I saw any one of you at my bar crawl. I would tell Lala: “I don’t know if I’m scared of you, want to bang you, or want to be you.” I would tell Brittany: “Your eyebrows are so perfect they need their own Bravo mini-series.” But most importantly, as my all-time favorite Vanderpump cast member, I knew if I saw you, I would say: Thank you for being the bitch that America needs right now.” And I did that.
Now, in retrospect, I realize that calling a stranger a bitch to their face maybe wasn’t the best way to introduce myself. I probably would’ve been more successful just asking for a picture like every other basic fangirl in America. So for that, I’m sorry. But here is what I meant by my comment.
You provide humor, honesty, and candor that a lot of us are afraid to use in our relationships with others. We’re afraid to speak our minds out of fear of judgment or rejection, and we’d rather lose a friend than face any sort of confrontation. I think most of us would benefit from taking a page from the Stassi Schroeder playbook of speaking up for yourself and those closest to us. We’ve seen you grow over the past 7 seasons of Vanderpump and in a strange way, we feel like we’ve grown up alongside you. Yes, we saw you make drunken mistakes on national TV. And you’d probably agree that those playbacks aren’t your proudest moments. But it reminded us that this happens to everyone; so, the next time it happens to us, we shouldn’t feel so ashamed or anxiety-ridden about it the next day. Bottom line here: seeing you go through the roughest moments in a mid-20-year-old life like cheating, breakups, the ending of friendships, going on Adderall-and-tequila-induced rampages, makes us all feel a little less alone when it happens to us.
I apologize my comment didn’t come off this way in my drunken emotional stupor. I promise the next time we meet all I’ll do is tell you I like your earrings and that you look really skinny.
Forever your devoted Instagram follower,
P.S. For those of you who will ask what it’s like being so far up Stassi’s asshole to dedicate a column to her? It is beautiful. And probably bleached..
Image via Kathy Hutchins / Shutterstock.com