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New year, new me. That’s how the saying goes and I’m sticking to it. I decided to lift all my dietary restrictions during the holidays, so I have plenty of work ahead of me. Spring will be here in three or four months, so it’s time to work off the fat that’s become beautifully marbled into my rump roast, if you get my drift. But the best part of a diet isn’t getting results. The best part of a diet is telling everyone about it, and I can’t wait.
Let’s start with social media. I can’t wait to post pictures of my meal with hashtags to show everyone how healthy I am. #keto #paleo #nocarbs. Why yes, that is a salmon filet and a spinach salad. And I’m using a vinaigrette dressing because blue cheese is far too fatty. Let me recommend these supplements that really helped me out, too #healthy #NewYearNewMe. But what kind of social media braggart would I be without letting everyone know that I’m working out? I have to make sure I send out Snapchats of my Spin Cycle stationary bike workout and don’t forget the gym selfie next to the bench press #grind. I might even hire a professional photographer to do my before and after photos.
But why stop at social media? What’s the point of a diet if you can brag to everyone about it? I’ll strike up a conversation at the gym with the person on the machine next to mine. “Oh, are you trying to get in shape too? Let me tell you what I’m doing that you are not.” I’ve read up on everything and I know all the secrets. But the gym isn’t the only place to brag about my diet. When I can’t meal prep, I might have to eat out at a restaurant. When I order food I cannot wait to ask my waiters and waitresses to not put croutons on my salad and not to bother bringing bread. Can you substitute green veggies for my potatoes? Yeah, that would be great. Thankssss. Speaking of meal prep, I have to make an obnoxious grocery list with lean meats and vegetables. With seasonings, of course. You can catch me in the supermarket reading the ingredients on packages to show that I care what I put in my body. It’s going to be so great.
Oh, and please compliment me on my progress when you see me so I can tell you everything I did to lose weight when you only wanted me to say, “Thank you.” “Did you lose weight?” “Yes! I went on a no carb diet with plenty of protein and work out two times per week. Of course, diet is more important than exercise when it comes to losing weight.” Like I said, what’s the point of dieting if you can’t tell everyone you’re on a diet?
I can’t wait to tell everyone about my New Years diet. I probably have another week or two before I’ve made enough progress to tell anyone, but hell, when I get there it’s going to be awesome. If you guys know of any non-chafing workout clothes, let me know, thanks!.
Respond
@5OClockShadow_
My new years diet consists mostly of vodka and regret.
No changes there
Be sure to leave your giant bottle of apple cider vinegar next to the office sink to let everyone know that you’re a piece of shit who takes care of his gut flora
If you take biotin, raise your glasses. If not, raise your standards.
Highly recommend the majority liquid die of bourbon, wine and deep eddie lemon and seltzer. It’s worked wonders for many.