======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
I must confess to you that I’m not a homeowner. I know, all those times I told someone that I was living the dream because I couldn’t think of anything else to say were completely fraudulent. Sorry, guys. Austin isn’t cheap, but understand this: I can’t wait to be surrounded by neighborhood blowhards.
A buddy of mine recently brought me up to speed about the “Neighborhood” App, which is basically a social network for neighborhoods to discuss seemingly important things, while also tackling the hot button neighborhood issues of the day like dog poop and possum manslaughter:
Yes. This is what it’s all about. At first, I wanted to rip this dude for being a blowhard, but then I imagined how livid I’d be if I had to deal with random dook and rainwater chilling at the bottom of my trash bin. I’ve got 20 bucks that says it was some random old lady that has no idea what an app is.
Then there’s this…
K. I wasn’t sure how I should feel after reading that. I’m probably soft, but I’m not a fan of witnessing slow painful deaths. With that being said, possums are by far the sketchiest neighborhood varmints, so watching one get murked by some mommy in a white SUV (probably hot) wouldn’t send me into a tailspin like this guy. And assuming she was on her way to a country club event is just a little presumptuous, but there’s a pretty good chance he’s right.
I’ll say this- witnessing a preggo possum take a life-ending L is probably fairly traumatic, but watching some guy on the side of the road delivering possum babies out of roadkill may actually be worse. You did a noble thing, maybe, but I feel empty inside after reading your rant..
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
Dave
Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.
@dcarterruff
@dcruff
dcarterruff
david@grandex.co
This needs to be a weekly column. That possum story was hilarious.
To calm your fears the guy has since posted that he’s called the city council and the police department to make sure they know of this incident. Unfortunately he is not happy at all with the lack of a response by Fort Worth PD.
I hope the PD shows up to this lunatics house and forcibly commits him. We can’t have psychos like that living among us.
As a bleeding-heart liberal (GASP), fuck that possum guy. Anecdotally, killing possums with a baseball bat while your lab tries to get in on the action is a pain in the ass. Ain’t nobody got time for those shitty animals.
To the psycho blocking traffic to deliver vermin in a storm:
You…you gotta stop that.
Possum’s are disgusting. My dad shot one in our backyard with a pellet gun after it ripped up my dogs ears. I got to shovel into a trash bag so we could get it rabies tested.
When a possum is getting more action than I am… PGP
Yeah but the possum is forever unclean.
And dead.
My Neighborhood is dull as hell. I thought it would be a bunch of lonely MILFs on the prowl but it’s a lot of grandmas typing IN ALL CAPS LOOKING FOR A PLUMBER OR SOMEONE TO MOVE MY HEAVY COUCH SO I CAN CLEAN UNDER IT and such.
My area’s Neighborhood group is almost entirely soccer moms claiming they witnessed a drug deal, people trying to find babysitters, and asking for recommendations for someone to redo their driveway/paint/carpet on the cheap. I was a member for about a week before I uninstalled the app.
Maybe I should join back up and cause some chaos around the area to get people talking about something new.
Do it for the content.
“Um, whoever decided it would be funny to break into our house during the day and write pagan messages in red wine stains and cocktail sauce all over the walls, please come forward so I can find out that cocktail sauce recipe. It was fucking fantastic.”
You’re comments are so dark, and fucking gold simultaneously
Your*
Thanks man. I wish they would hire me so I could have my own column/niche that shouldn’t be taken seriously at all but still should sort of be taken a little bit seriously.
Submit more content, man. I liked your old stuff, they won’t hire anybody on comments alone. I would assume, anyway.
Very true, I got some columns in the queue but I don’t think they’re good enough. Thanks dude I’ll see what I can do.
Just the other day someone on Nextdoor with backyard chickens was offering a dozen eggs for $5. Seemed innocuous enough. Check back the next day, and it all went south when the first person to comment was the militant vegan informing us that hens in the wild (there are wild chickens?) lay about five eggs a year, and that they have been genetically modified to lay eggs daily. How would you like to have a menstrual cycle every day, she asked. She went on to suggest that the backyard farmer invest in some kind of implant that will allow your hens to go back to their natural cycles.
Yeah, 99/100 posts are boring requests for repair quotes. But you get that 1 where the crunchy urban agriculturalist gets told off by the even more crunchy vegan, and you know why you signed up.
This…this is beautiful. As someone who’s entire church has been taken over by bored suburban moms who raise chickens and post FB articles about chicken practices on each other’s walls, I appreciate this so much.
Side note-I have since stopped saying yes to housesitting gigs because it’s not just your dog but your dog and EIGHTEEN DAWN-RISING MOFOS I DESPISE.
Second side note-I’m kinda starting to hate my fellow sisters in Christ
Ok I did not know I had all of that inside me. Wow. I feel so much better now. Also feel slightly unhinged. Carry on y’all, carry on.
The obvious response is “maybe we can discuss this more calmly when you aren’t on your menstrual cycle.” I’m sure she would have appreciated the sensitivity.
are you in new orleans or do we just have very similar things happening on our next-door feeds lol?
It’s “opossum” you step ford fool.
I live in an area where a neighborhood has not been set up. This could be fun.
Only possum I fuck with is No Show Jones. RIP