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From Black Friday to Christmas Day, your cable provider of choice is likely pumping your TV guide full of Christmas movie options. You’ll have your classics, your winter-themed movies that shouldn’t get as much play as they do during holiday season (looking at you Frozen), and of course your Hallmark channel fare; the gluten-free vegan hemp seed cookies of Christmas movies.
The classics are what drives the season and are really the only things you should be watching every year. If you’re anything like me, you’re always wishing there was more to the story. We deserve more than just the two hours of holiday cheer we usually get from our Christmas classics.
Home Alone 4: Saw 1
Plot twist, Kevin McCallister grows up to be Jigsaw. The trajectory only makes sense. Joe Pesci comes back for the sequel and finally gets to swear all the time.
How The Grinch Stole Christmas 2: The Trial
Oh, you think you can commit at least twenty felonies on Christmas Eve but still be forgiven? Not in my Whoville. Give me Christopher Walken as a drunken disgraced Who attorney defending the Grinch from fifty-to-seventy years in a Whoville prison for his felony burglary spree on Christmas Eve. Lord knows what they’ll do to a guy in a Whoville prison.
The Holiday 2: Logistics
What a happy ending- two new couples celebrating a romantic New Years Eve in England. All the warm fuzzies. Now what?
Oh, you guys are gonna just enjoy your nice transoceanic relationships with no hiccups? Yeah, let me know how that works out. You think Kate Winslet is moving to LA to shack up with Jack Black? No way Jose. He out-kicked his coverage on that one. Better start reading the London classifieds for a new job.
As for the Diaz/Law pairing of two people so good looking that it almost melts the screen, you’ve got some other factors. Can’t see the original J-Law uprooting those kids to LA; this country doesn’t deserve their cute British accents. Your move Cameron. A two hour back and forth of Law & Diaz making an LA/England pros & cons list is the sequel we all deserve.
Fred Claus 2
Fred and his friend John leave the North Pole each late-summer to crash weddings across the country. After crashing the wedding of a prominent U.S. Senator, Fred and John find themselves both in love with the Senator’s daughters and toe-to-toe with a ruthless nemesis, Sack Lodge.
*Author’s Note: I’ve never seen Fred Claus.
A Very Die Hard Christmas
The much-deserved follow-up to the greatest Christmas movie of all-time, John McClane is participating in a Yankee Swap at a local nursing home when a group of terrorists led by Tobey Maguire with a shitty Russian accent hold the home hostage with a bomb disguised as a Kindle Fire. To avoid the big “is this a Christmas movie?” confusion of the original, John only takes out terrorists with Christmas-themed weapons, culminating with dropping a 20 ft tall Christmas tree on Tobey.
A Christmas Carol 2: Back To Basics
Ebeneezer Scrooge, tiring of his new life of giving to the poor and performing charitable works in the community, decides it’s time to get back to his ways and break bad. Scrooge starts a Ponzi Scheme, entrusting Tiny Tim as his partner, and tells the three ghosts to kick rocks.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 2: Finding Eddie
It’s three days until Christmas, and Clark needs to track down Cousin Eddie in the Vermont wilderness so he can check in with his probation officer. He gathers the family squad for one last Christmas road trip, tracking Cousin Eddie until finally Clark & the film crew stumble upon a naked and crazed Randy Quaid, and the movie turns quickly into a crime documentary.
Elf 2
I’ll fight anyone who says they need to make an Elf 2. Happy Holidays. .
Image via YouTube
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
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If Taylor Momsen reprises her role as Cindy Lou Who, 10000% on board.
“Love Actually…is a Myth”. The Prime Minister gets cucked by the president. August Rush moves to America, only to find out the love of his life is a slore and he’s a laughing stock at her school. Rick Grimes accidentally steals Kiera Knightly from his best friend, causing him to commit suicide. Emma Thompson murdered Alan Rickman to write off his actually death, but her character finds love in prison. Colin Firth finally learns Portuguese, then discovers his recent beloved wipes back to from and immediately files divorce papers.
*back to front
Die Hard 2 was also a Christmas movie #never5get
Bill Defries should have some input on the Home Alone topic.
Step-brothers is the sequel to elf
Jingle All the Way
As someone obsessed with rom coms I’m all in on a The Holiday 2… As long as they end up happy together in the end of that one also.