Humpday Hookup Horror Stories: Blue Balls Lagoon

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If you’ve got a Humpday Hookup Horror Story, submit it HERE. Try to keep it under 500 words. All submissions will be made anonymous. Thou shalt not judge, lest ye be judged…

Blue Balls Lagoon
“Jeff” from Norfolk, VA

When I told my friends about this story, they told me I had to submit it to PGP for Humpday Hookups, so here I am. I went on vacation with my family last month to Puerto Rico because they paid for it and I figured this would probably be the last time they paid for me to go anywhere with them. My dad never held back when it came to family vacation, except for when he took us to Branson in 2004.

We were put up in this awesome seaside resort. Mom and dad even got me my own room. Of course, this was all a lead up to them telling me they were cutting me off at the end of the month at dinner on the first night, effectively ruining my vacation. So, I got drunk. I hung around the hotel bar for a few hours and decided I would drown my budgetary sorrows in all-inclusive liquor.

I started chatting up a fairly attractive (vacation hot, nothing special) girl at the bar and we hit it off. She was also on vacation with her family. A college student, to boot.

I’ll cut to the chase. We found our way out to the beach and ended up making out on the sand. She was the adventurous type and started shedding her clothes as she trotted towards the ocean. Her body gleamed in the moonlight. Look at me, getting all romantic. We were making out naked in the lagoon and I inserted myself. It was really, really hot. She starts yelping like the dickens and tells me to carry her back to the beach. I can see a little bit in the moonlight what’s wrong. She’s got a jellyfish wrapped around her leg.

Instinctively, I whipped out my junk and started peeing on her, because I read that’s what you’re supposed to do with a jellyfish sting. Luckily, someone heard her screaming and came out to find me pissing all over this girl’s thighs. They took her away to a first aid station and I was left on the beach with a vicious case of blue balls. She was fine and we finally hooked up two nights later. Success.

The sicko in me wishes the jellyfish had stung her on her ass, so I would have had the pleasure of literally peeing in a girl’s butt.

The Fighter
“Hanna” from Dallas, TX

I took home the biggest Dallas bro (what can I say? They’re my weakness) from the bars one night and this guy was super macho. I have this weird fetish where I identify the most alpha male in the bar and attempt to make them my bitch once they’re in bed with me. It’s worked for me in the past. I have issues.

We’ll call this guy “Chad,” because I’ve never met a “Chad” I liked. So Chad and I are tearing into one another back at my place and I take control. He’s trying to throw me on the bed and I wrap my legs around him (I squat) and start squeezing like there’s no tomorrow. He’s really trying to pry me off of him and I can tell he doesn’t like it. He starts biting. I bite back. It was more like a back-alley UFC fight than a drunken hookup at this point. I kept squeezing him with all the strength in my 5-8 frame. Finally his weight gave out from under him and he crumpled to the floor with a whimper.

He’s keeled over on the floor, still whimpering and asking me why I did that to him. I asked him if he wanted more. It was clear he did not.

I don’t really take pride in making men cry, but in this case, I was quite pleased with myself. He finally recovers and starts calling me a bitch and a psycho. He gathered up his clothes and headed out of the door.

I win.

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