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If you’ve got a hookup horror story, send it in using our submission form, and be sure to select “Column.” All stories will be made anonymous. Try to keep it to 500 words or less. Thou shalt not judge lest ye be judged.
In a Pinch
Kerry from Fort Lauderdale, Fla.
I nearly lost my boys. I can remember it vividly. It was the most horrifying moment of my life. My girlfriend and I loved to get down with sex all the time. She was a really nasty freak. I loved it. Now that we’re older, we’re not as hot to trot as we were a couple years ago, but this story still makes us laugh whenever someone brings it up.
One time during a late night romp, I grabbed my girlfriend by the haunches, put her up on her dresser, and just thrusted my ass off. It was some serious Lex Steele/Mandingo type stuff. She loved it though. Her drawers were sliding in and out, and by some act of cruel universal synchronicity, the top drawer opened up and violently slammed shut–ensnaring my testicles in a death trap of misery and terror. I yelped and leapt back from the dresser, clutching at my groin and begging for God to spare me of my life. The pain was intense. It was the absolute worst moment of my life. I seriously thought my scrotum had been ripped off of my body. After some tender prodding by my hands, I found out that my coin purse had not been separated from my body, but I was still in a ridiculous amount of pain.
My girlfriend took me to the hospital, where I was diagnosed with testicular torsion: the twisting of your testicles to the point where your blood supply cuts off. I almost lost them, but thankfully, by the mercy of God, they are still fully functional.
We threw away the dresser a week later.
“Daddy’s Home!”
Troy from San Francisco, Calif.
I had been hooking up with this girl for a few weeks and we were really hitting it off. She was about 10 years older than I was, but I really didn’t mind; I was 24 at the time, and she was in her early thirties. We were at the stage in our relationship where it was about to go from purely physical to something more. I really liked her, but still didn’t know a whole lot about her.
One day after work, she sent me a text to come over for dinner. I planned this big entrance, complete with flowers, where I was going to tell her that I was falling for her and ask her if she wanted to start dating exclusively. Her door was already ajar when I showed up. I had planned to just show up and give her the flowers and then talk to her, but being in her house without her knowing gave me the opportunity to do something I had always wanted to do with a girlfriend, just as a gag.
“Daddy’s home!” I shouted as I crossed over the threshold and strode towards the kitchen. “DADDY??!!” I heard a young girl squeal. Before I could even figure out what was going on, this adorable little 5-year-old came flying into the front hallway and we locked eyes for a minute. “You’re not my daddy!” she screamed as she collapsed onto the floor in tears.
I stood there in shock with my hands out to the side as the woman comforted her daughter. I sure can pick ’em.
Apparently, she was a single mother and was planning on introducing me to her daughter that night. The little girl’s father, who she had never met, left them right after she was born.
We stopped seeing each other after a couple more dates.
Respond
Hey Troy, you basically set the little girl up for a lifetime of “Daddy Issues,” ya douche.
I’m speaking for men everywhere when I say “Thank You.”
I couldn’t read past “loved to get down with sex all the time.” My head is exploding with rage.
Yeah that was nonsensical
I would have resembled Road Runner spinning my wheels out the door.
Both of these stories hurt me. Poor nuts, poor girl.
Safe to say that dressers will forever be off limits from this point on.
You poor bastard