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Last week, I wrote a column for all the guys about how to turn your girlfriend into a college football junkie. Well, ladies, I haven’t forgotten about you.
You need to watch “Dancing With The Stars,” but there’s a problem. It comes on during Monday Night Football. (But then again, which of your shows DOESN’T come on the same night as a dumb football game, amirite?) You can either break up with him or turn him into a “DWTS” junkie. I suggest the latter, because you’ll never be able to find anyone as adorable and sweet as your current boyfriend.
How do you get your boyfriend to trade in a night of football for the foxtrot? Worry no more. I have your answer, but before we get into it, allow me to give a quick backstory on myself. I grew up as a man’s man (or so I like to think). I played football in high school and a little bit in college. I like explosions, cars, steaks, overworking my biceps at the gym, and a good cry after a Jane Austen book. That last one has nothing to do with why I’m a man’s man. I just felt vulnerable and needed to get that off my chest. I absolutely love sports, but I’m not a big fan of reality TV, especially competition-based reality TV. However, I got married a few years ago, and since I walked down that aisle, hand-in-hand with my wife, I have been glued to “Dancing With The Stars.” Allow me to fill you in on just exactly how my wife got me turned on to the show.
Pick Out A Celebrity He Likes
Is your boyfriend a big fan of Billy Dee Williams’s portrayal of Lando Calrissian in “Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back”? Then he’ll love his portrayal of the Charleston set to a sensual acoustic version of Charli XCX’s “Boom Clap.” Is your boyfriend a nerd? Show him Bill Nye’s attempt at dancing the rumba.
Give Him A Thorough Yet Quick History Of “DWTS” Contestents
Considering many of them are sports stars, he’ll become intrigued. Contestants like Evander Holyfield, Kenny Mayne, Jerry Rice, Emmitt Smith,* Apolo Ohno,* Helio Castroneves,* Kristi Yamaguchi,*** Warren Sapp,** Lawrence Taylor, Shawn Johnson, Michael Irvin–these names mean nothing to you, do they? Chad Ochocinco, Kurt Warner, Sugar Ray Leonard, Chris Jericho, Hines Ward,* Metta World Peace, Donald Driver,* Erin Andrews, Jason Taylor,** Martina Navratilova, Jacoby Jones…are you even still reading this part? Keyshawn Johnson, Lolo Jones, and Michael Waltrip. But make it fast. He really isn’t going to want to sit through a drawn-out oral history of a televised dancing competition.
* winner
** runner up
*** remember her?!
Make The Show Appear As Much As A Sporting Event As Possible
First off, like any major sporting event, it has Erin Andrews providing sideline interviews and analysis. That’s an important first item. Show him Erin Andrews. Next, get him into the judges’ scoring system. He’ll be shouting, “HOW DID LEN GOODMAN GIVE HIM ONLY AN EIGHT? THAT WAS AT LEAST A NINE!” in no time. Next, the injuries. Maybe send him a thorough injury report each week. D.L. Hughley has been listed as doubtful this week due to a strained groin. Christina Milian is questionable with a pulled hamstring.
Tell Him One Of The Celebrities Dances Like He Does
You’ll say, “Babe, come here and watch this. I feel like you dance exactly like this guy!” He’ll nonchalantly come walking into the room and watch at least that one dance. Make sure you pick someone cool. I mean, don’t tell him he dances like Michael Bolton from season 11. Nothing about that statement is a compliment. Instead, maybe tell him he dances like Alfonso Ribeiro (Carlton from “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”) from season 19. Now, you may be thinking, “But my boyfriend isn’t a good dancer. In fact, he’s so bad, we leave weddings early.” Listen, you’re not trying to get him to sign up for the high school talent show. You’re just trying to get him to watch a TV show with you. Puff up his chest a little bit. He’ll then be intrigued to watch Carlton dance the rest of the season, and he will be more inclined to cheer him on to the finals, which will make him believe he’s an even better dancer than he really is.
Have Him Fill Out A “DWTS” Bracket
If there’s one thing guys love, it’s holding a beer while grilling. If there’s two things guys love, it’s March Madness. Part of the thrill of watching the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament every year is filling out a bracket and then watching that bracket get destroyed by teams named Florida Gulf Coast. So fill out a bracket and it’ll be like that season Candace Cameron got third place. Who saw D.J. Tanner making it to the “DWTS” finals? It was like that time your boyfriend’s bracket was destroyed when George Mason made it to the Final Four.
Show Him Julianne Hough’s Boobs
GEWWWW! If this doesn’t work, break up with him. You can easily find someone more adorable and sweet, anyway..
Respond
Austin Huff
Austin wears pants every day. He is also the founder of KorkedBats.com.
@AustinHuff
@AustinHuff
How has this abomination of a show made it to 19 seasons?
‘fraid not, pal.