How To Take The Perfect Golf Nap

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We’ve finally reached that time of year when your Sunday afternoon, in its anxiety riddled glory, can be utilized for something other than worrying about how much work you have awaiting you at the office. It’s golf nap season, and you need to be ready to make the best of it.

Eat a hearty breakfast
There’s been a tendency by many to overlook or dismiss the importance of a big Sunday breakfast, but it’s vital that your body receives a big influx of calories in order to set the table for the golf nap. You can do this in a variety of ways: migas, taquitos, an omelette. Anything heavy enough to force your internal plumbing system to activate with urgency. Coffee is encouraged, as it is one of the foremost evacuation accelerants known to man. Trust me on this. To have the full golf nap experience, you need to push out all of the bad that you contaminated your body with over the weekend.

Brunch cautiously
You’ll notice I left out any mention of brunch in the above paragraph. This was intentional. It’s important that you brunch with caution if you plan on enjoying a true golf nap. Your standard brunch is likely to contain a lot of golf nap killing properties that are difficult to avoid. First of all, you are going to booze. You won’t be able to turn down bottomless mimosas, two or three Bloody Marys, or a Dimple Pinch, neat. While a drink or two won’t completely torpedo your golf nap blueprint, any brunch that escalates into a full blown Sunday Funday situation is an immediate game ender. Based on personal experience, one in three brunches will turn into absolute Sunday wrecking disasters.

Take care of business
Can’t emphasize this enough. If you have any emails to respond to, work to complete, or friends to call for purposes of recapping the prior night’s events, you must take care of this before turning on the tournament. All of the above referenced actions will be accompanied by copious amounts of anxiety, and I’m not exactly breaking news here when I tell you that anxiety will completely nut-kick your golf nap.

Lunch with a purpose
Assuming you listened to my advice in paragraph one, you’re probably still full from breakfast. That’s okay. You probably started burning some of those calories during the “take care of business” portion of your Sunday, and you’ll be in prime position to throw down some more. This is arguably the most important pre-nap activity. I recommend an aggressive play here, and there is no play more aggressive than fried chicken. Popeye’s three-piece mix (spicy or GTFO) is always a solid move, but many prefer to stick with chicken strips. That’s fine if that’s your preference, but make sure you load up on gravy. Fried anything will signal to your body that a golf nap is imminent.

Get comfortable
It goes without saying, but you need to find a spot in your living room that allows you to drift in and out of consciousness with minimal interruption. Place yourself in front of your living room television no fewer than fifteen minutes prior to the start coverage. This allows you to make minor adjustments if needed. Grab a cold beer and a glass of water, as you’ll need to alternate between the two. Inform your significant other that tournament coverage will begin soon, and if that person truly cares about you, they will leave you alone for the next four hours. Flip your phone to silent because you just can’t afford to be interrupted by your buddy blowing up your phone asking where he left his car last night. Oh, and your attire is completely up to you. I’m a traditionalist, and that means I make no effort to put on comfortable clothes. Personally, I think if you throw on pajamas, you’re trying a little too hard. That’s just me, though.

Nap so hard
This is it. All of the hard work you put into this day is about to pay off. Depending on what tournament you’re taking in, the leaders are probably just starting their round when major network coverage kicks in. Now, keep in mind that there is no length of time that is too long, or too short, for your nap. It’s all up to you. Obviously, unless you have DVR capabilities, don’t sleep through the entire tournament. That’s just a waste. In a perfect world, you’ll avoid falling into a REM cycle, but controlling that will be difficult. Hopefully, you can fall in and out of mouth open, head back sleep and naturally wake up to watch the leaders finish up their last few holes. .

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Dave

Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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