How To Properly Wipe Your Ass

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There are certain skills that we should all have by now, because you’ve been doing them for over twenty-something years now. You know, basic things like how to tie your shoes, ride a bike, write a letter, mail an envelope or package, make an international phone call, reading a map or compass, make a proper sandwich, the number for 9-1-1, basic things like that. Thanks to technology, most of these skills have become obsolete, and our ability to do things without the modern marvels in our pockets have atrophied. However, one thing that never seems to go out of style is proper ass wiping, and yet, people have forgotten how to do that as well.

Let’s face facts. We’re getting older, and our bodies can’t handle abuse anymore. The word “hemorrhoid” is less of a punchline and more of an eventuality with every passing day, and you don’t know pain until you’ve had an anal fissure. Trust me. You’ve got to be careful back there, and if you’re not wiping properly, you might as well be using shards of glass instead of toilet paper. Here’s how to properly care for and maintain your poop chute.

STEP 1: Don’t Overdo the Dirty Deed

Repeat after me: NEVER PUSH. Let me hear you say it. NEVER PUSH.

Muy bien. Pushing is the fastest way to book a one way ticket to “Blood-In-Your-Stoolsville,” and nobody wants that. Trust me, you don’t. So basically, you need to wait. And wait. And wait. Wait until it’s damn near popping out of you until you go potty. Seriously, you ought to be crowning before you go for the bowl. If you’re pushing a lot, you need some more fiber in your diet. Try raisin bran for breakfast, and drink a little more coffee. If all else fails, try a little milk of magnesia with your meals. That ought to grease things up.

STEP 2: Using the Proper Tools

So did you drop the kids off at the pool? Fantastic. Everything come out okay? Great. Now you have to make sure you’ve got the proper tools for the trade. You should really only be using flushable baby wipes, or white toilet paper. That’s it. White toilet paper. The good stuff, the ones those bears wipe their asses with. Stay away from dyed toilet paper like the plague. Who really needs pink, black or green toilet paper? You’re gonna color it yourself in a couple of minutes. Use white and you’ll be alright. But better yet, those flushable baby wipes are fantastic. Feels like you’re being wiped down with a fluffy cloud by Kate Upton, Alison Brie and a few of the girls from the “Big Pimpin” video. But not in a Drake way.

STEP 3: All About the Technique

Follow these simple rules, and you’ll be clean enough to whistle dixie with your bunghole. Take about six squares of TP and then fold them up into a nice, double-sided sheet of three. No bunching. Bunching is for cowards, quitters, and the Dutch. With a firm hand, wipe. Then fold it in half (poop smear-side in) and wipe again. Then fold and wipe one more time. And THAT IS IT. Do not wipe more than three times. Any more than that is over-wiping, and you’ll scrape yourself and strain your you-know-what. And that’s not good. Three-swipe maximum. Be firm and precise, and you’ll have gotten everything in three fell swoops.

STEP 4: If That Doesn’t Work…

Hop in the shower to clean yourself off. Nobody’s saying you need to lather, rinse and repeat, but just take an extra minute to do yourself up thoroughly. Now, if you enjoy laying cable in the workplace as much as I do, and I’m not talking about working for FiOS, then obviously you don’t have the luxury of a shower three feet from your toilet. So when you get a chance, get up, go over to the sink, moisten up a paper towel and a little soap, and make yourself a makeshift baby wipe. VERY LITTLE SOAP. You’re not rigging up a bidet, just a little cleanliness. That way, you’re all clean and not spending the rest of the day scratching at your rectum at work, because that creates, you guessed it folks, anal fissures. And they hurt like a motherfucker. Trust me on that. Or just keep baby wipes in your desk and sneak them into the bathroom. Or don’t. Be loud and proud about your baby wipes. They’re God’s gift to your colon.

If you follow these four simple steps, you’ll be a happier, healthier, human being. As a self-described colon health enthusiast, I take pride in promoting safe wiping techniques. If I know that I’ve prevented at least one hemorrhoid a day, I’ve done my job. Just be careful, if you’re too clean, you’re gonna start getting calls from Drake, and nobody needs that.

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