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People make mistakes. I’ve made mistakes. We all make mistakes. But in life, it’s not about the mistakes that were made. It’s about how you rebound from them.
Unfortunately, not all mistakes are that easy to bounce back from. Especially when a “I haven’t had a drink in six months and I’m freaking the fuck out because I’m getting fucking married today” bride is involved. If there’s one person you don’t want to piss off on someone’s wedding day, it’s not the parents, the groom, or the wedding planner – it’s the bride, the bride, the bride. And if you want to be in poor standing for the rest of your life, just use the following as a blueprint for how to go about attending your friend’s future weddings.
RSVP? Nah.
The term ‘RSVP’ completely lost its meaning when Facebook rendered it useless. RSVP’ing to a Facebook event is embarrassing because it shows that you care while RSVP’ing to a wedding is essential for no other reason than to not piss off the bride. They’ve got enough to worry about as it is, so for her to be forced into herding the cattle that are the groom’s friends ahead of the biggest day of her life is a call of duty she’s not going to want to answer.
Pro tip: The second you open your invite, fill out the RSVP card and immediately put it back into your mailbox. Otherwise, you’re going to get a text from the groom asking, “So, uh, you just going to not RSVP to my wedding or what?” all because his fiancée laid into him for being friends with a bunch of idiots.
Bring a plus-one when you weren’t supposed to bring a plus-one.
You know why you didn’t get a plus-one in the first place? Well, there’s a few reasons. First, the bride hates your girlfriend and wants to passive-aggressively tell you that by way of omission. Secondly, you just haven’t been dating long enough for her to make the cut, and she doesn’t care enough about your emotional well-being to care whether or not you have to have the “Why wasn’t I invited?” conversation with her. And finally, she just didn’t know your girlfriend existed in the first place because you haven’t talked since college.
So what do you do? Show up with her on your arm like nothing ever happened and completely botch the seating chart that it took an entire bottle of the bride’s Adderall to create.
Show up late.
The moments before walking down the aisle have to be some of the most nerve-racking moments in any women’s life. You know what makes those moments even worse? When three sunburned guys who happen to be plus-ones of the bridesmaids stumble in ten minutes late smelling like golf course beers only to uncomfortably lock eyes with the bride and her father before the biggest walk of their lives.
But, honestly, what did she expect to happen? Were you just supposed to not play a 19th hole tiebreaker to see who took down the remaining money after you all bogeyed out on 18? Come on.
…or not show up at all.
October 10, 2015. State Fair of Texas. Red River Shootout – Texas versus Oklahoma. 5 o’clock wedding ceremony with reception immediately following. What could go wrong on a day so packed with events that it’s nearly impossible to navigate Dallas as it is?
Ohhhh, I don’t know. Just ask the bride who saw two place tags sitting on an empty table at night’s end and then tell me if she’ll ever talk to me again.
People make mistakes. Helluva game, though.
Wear white.
No, seriously. Tell your plus-one to wear white and see what happens. Nothing terrible has ever come from upstaging the bride, so wear that white dress you’ve been meaning to bust out since you got it on sale on Shopbop last spring. Walking out of there without a red wine stain on it would be like running up the Global Guts Aggro Crag without being covered in bruises from fake rocks smacking you.
Get absolutely obliterated.
Probably the easiest and most surefire way to piss the bride off, getting absolutely hammered at the reception is just about as easily done as it is said. If you’re not a wedding veteran and it’s your rookie wedding season, just beware of the open bar (read: The Ten Commandments of Open Bars) and keep some in the tank. No one needs to see you making out with your plus-one against the wall in the back of the clubhouse right next to where all the bridesmaids are keeping their handbags and change of clothes. Next thing you know, you’re waking up with cuts on your hands because you shattered a cocktail glass on the dance floor during “Mambo No. 5.”
Propose.
Why would you do this? Was Valentine’s Day not an option, cheesedick? .
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Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
How Will makes brides mad:
Will to said bride, “I’ll make a better bride than you”
Openly hitting on her single mother and dancing with her all night was not my best move.
“A hot older woman made you grab her cans?!? Stop crying like a little girl. Why don’t you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family, and have some real problems.”
Were the built for speed or pleaure? Speed or pleaure you motor-boatin sun of a bitch!
I think this story deserves a column
The best is when you blab about her husband-to-be’s sexcapades back in college while drunk because we were all young, dumb, and full of cum once. Then she gets all upset as if she doesn’t have some random sex video on some other dude’s phone/somewhere in the ether of the inter webs (because she def does)
All these require is just a little common decency. Should be pretty simple really. Except the obliterated one, I support getting annihilated.
The fact that you know what Shopbop is makes me think you’re either the most observational boyfriend or you’re actually queen of the basics.
My money is on the latter
Getting hammered is fine, getting hammered early is a bad look. Once you see the grandparents shuffling off to bed it’s time to lose the tie and fire up the rounds of shots. Usually happens around 10PM.
Went to a wedding last fall where the bride’s brother’s girlfriend wore a white dress. Even I knew that was a terrible choice
Is it even possible to go through a wedding sober?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No one said we had to resort to that.
You mean like, 4 beers sober?
Asking for future use- when tipping the bartender after the first round at the open bar, how much do I throw in the tip jar? I want to look like a non-cheap ass but also not like a tryhard dbag. any responses are appreciated
Wedding downtown in a major city? $20. Wedding in a suburb of a major city? $10. Wedding within 5 miles of a functioning barn? $5.
I always just drop a $20 in for the first drink before the reception kicks off. Show a little appreciation and they typically serve me as soon as I walk up after that. Especially since like 90% of the other young adults throw down a single or fiver.
Always try to $10 or $20. Always look like a jerkoff making sure the bartender sees the bill going into the bowl.
I always drop a Jackson for every 5 rounds. I don’t know why and it doesn’t matter how many I’m getting per round.
Serious question for the PGP community here, im attending a wedding in June filled with high school friends back east and I asked a friend to be my plus one because she knows everybody. Said friend slept with the groom, my good buddy years ago but their are no bad feelings between the two. My question being is this wrong and should I opt for a less controversial date so as to avoid the risk of potentially pissing off my buddy and or his bride to be on her big day?
Might be crazy but maybe just shoot your buddy a text (or email) and ask if it’s cool
I think that depends on what the bride and groom’s relationship at the time was. If they didn’t even know each other when said intercourse occurred, shouldn’t really be an issue. To the bride, your girl is just another girl at her wedding. If the opposite is true, you might want to shoot one of them a text simply out of courtesy.
Convention says your buddy gets to take another shot at her the night before the wedding. Choose wisely.