How To Have A Wedding Without Your Bridesmaids Wanting You Dead

How To Have A Wedding Without Your Bridesmaids Wanting You Dead

You’re getting married! It’s your special day! You’ve wondered what this day would be like your whole life, and it’s today! You’ve been planning it for months – you found the perfect dress, and the perfect venue, and the perfect centerpieces, and the perfect seating chart and, oh yeah, that guy you’re marrying. It’s a really big deal, I know. I’m so happy for you. Literally, you’re one of the few people in the world that could announce an engagement without me rolling my eyes or wondering why you’re rushing into this. I care about your happiness and truly wish you the best for the future, because, I’m your bridesmaid.

But right now, I’m just about ready to explode from holding my tongue all weekend, actually for the past few months, and goddammit… how hard is it to get one of the caterers to bring some of those hors d’oeuvres to the bridal party? Also, I really just need a gin and tonic if you’re going to make me smile for more pictures; I can’t take another glass of that champagne.

Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so. I feel you. As much as it can ruin a perfectly good Tuesday morning to see yet another engagement announcement that makes you question all of your life choices, everyone has those people that they get genuinely excited for when they find out they’re getting married. Your childhood best friend, your partner in crime, whatever – we all have them.

And when that rare moment comes when you’re actually happy to see someone get married, it all comes crashing down because you have forgotten that with the wedding comes the wedding planning. And it’s a bitch.

The fact that anyone actually gets married after having to go through all the steps of planning a wedding is kind of amazing. It’s like a roller-coaster ride: it’ll drive you crazy, it’ll hold you up when you’re looking through all those pictures of perfect wedding cake masterpieces and it’ll bring you down when you find out exactly how much each course costs, and it’ll try to break your will to plan when you’re trying to nail down exactly who is coming to this event. I mean, does no one respect the RSVP date or the fact that there is a seating chart to be made? Rude.

I get it. You have so much to do for this wedding, and you also still have a job to go to every day and a whole life to live in the meantime. It’s also really hard if you’re the first, or one of the first of your friends to get married, because they may not really get it and you don’t have a lot of examples to go off of. But you have to remember to think about the bridal party. These are the people that are taking a few days off work and spending hundreds of dollars to make your special day exactly that, special.

So no, while you don’t need plan your wedding just to please them, there are a few things you can do to keep them from complaining and talking shit behind your back all weekend.

Always have food.

Once I visited a Hollywood TV set and the production assistant told me something I’ve never forgotten: “basically half of making sure the shoot runs smoothly is making sure that there is always food available.” Because when people get hungry, people get cranky. It’s so simple, but it’s actually amazing how much smoother things run at a wedding when the bridal party is well fed. They’re kind of the life of the wedding. These are the people that are going to set the tone for the whole weekend. It’s not just about the actual wedding, it’s all the little tasks leading up to it. You’re going to scout the location the day before? Have lunch while you’re there. You’re going to the nail salon with your bridesmaids? Get a fruit platter. (Trust, they’ll be less mad that you’re making them get the palest shade of pink in the salon, because no, it doesn’t look good on everyone’s skin tone). You’re having a sleepover in your room the night before? Get some ice cream or some s’mores or some wine and cheese. Just because you haven’t had a carb for three weeks does not mean that everyone else is fasting.

At least consider their thoughts on the bridesmaid dresses.

Yes, it’s your wedding, and you have your own ideas about what you want it to look like, obviously. But unless you’re buying everyone’s dresses for them, at least consider their thoughts on the dresses. If they have to buy it, wear it for eight to twelve hours at your wedding, and be tagged in Facebook posts in it for weeks following the big day, they’re entitled to their opinions about it. If you just ask what people think, and show that you thought about their feelings in your decision, it goes a long way.

The devil is in the details.

Before the wedding weekend actually arrives, really think about how it’s going to flow. Does everyone know where the rehearsal dinner is? How is everyone getting to the rehearsal dinner? Does everyone in the bridal party have a ride from the church to the reception? Is anyone seated near an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend? Can we ask the catering staff to carry the presents to the car so we don’t need to pull people away from the dance floor? Are we going to get kicked out of the reception hall if it gets too late and the neighbors get mad? Where is the bridal party going after the wedding? I mean, I know you’re going to have amazing wedding night sex, but the rest of us want to keep drinking. Basically just get into the mindset you had when you took too much adderall the night before finals in college and overthink everything. You’ll be thankful later when everyone’s complementing you on your perfect wedding.

Have a good bridal party gift.

I hate things that I have no use for. I don’t want some little trinket or keychain that I’ll just feel guilty about throwing away so I’ll put it in a drawer, that’ll eventually go into a storage box, that’ll stay there until I move. Also, I don’t want a purse that only matches my bridesmaids’ dress that I’m forced to bring that day and literally will never use again. That’s a selfish present. I don’t know if you can even call that a present. Get something people actually want and can use. Like, a monogrammed wine glass with a bottle of wine. That’s a great gift and I spent two minutes thinking of it, you have months. And while you’re at it, just get the groomsmen some nice cigars. They’re going to smoke them regardless of how you feel about them so you might as well take the opportunity to earn some brownie points.

Don’t try to pace anyone’s drinking.

Weddings have a certain feel to them, an ambiance that surrounds them. It’s light and carefree like the first day of spring and it just makes people want to get fucked up. Whether it’s because they’re trying to forget the fact that they’re not getting married, or just really excited to have all their friends in the same place, people are going to get drunk. Don’t be that bride that’s trying to keep it classy and just ends up nagging everyone, it’s a battle you won’t win. You are classy, you’re all dressed in white and you’re no longer living in sin and your elderly relatives approve of your lifestyle. Your friends are still degenerates though, so let them be. It’ll turn into a funny story that you’ll end up telling at dinner parties, promise.

Even if you do these things, and really try to make sure that everyone’s happy, are they still going to talk shit? Yeah, probably. It’s kind of the nature of it, but at least this way, it’ll just make them seem petty, because you planned as well as anyone could. And you’re married now! So life’s pretty great anyways.

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