It’s easy to fall into a hole. One second, you’re in shambles at brunch because you realize it’s Labor Day and summer’s officially over. The next thing you know, you’re pulling swimsuits and visors out of your closet to hit the lake for Memorial Day only to realize you spent the entire winter slugging down beers and lethargically eating an entire pizza every Sunday.
Fear not, though. Sure, there are no quick fixes in life. I’m not here to tell you how to get a six-pack or encourage you to cut out carbs. Club sandwiches are simply too delicious for that nonsense. I’m here to maximize what you’re currently working with while also allowing you to be your sloppiest self.
This, friends, is how to get your body summer-ready without having to lift a fucking finger.
Stay as dehydrated as possible.
While hungover, your body goes through two phases: dehydrated, and then puffy. To cure said hangover, you often have to hydrate which, in return, makes you puffy. At this point, you need to accept that you’re going to be hungover for the entirety of the summer, but that went without saying. Unfortunately, you can’t combat that hangover with Pedialyte and Gatorade because you needed to look like you’re borderline passing out at all times. You know how skinny you feel when you wake up in the morning and haven’t put anything of substance into your body? Welcome to summer, baby.
Oh, and if you need to score an Adderall of your buddy so you can skip dinner on Fridays and Saturdays, send that sketchy text to your friend who’s plowing through law school or studying for the GRE. I know a guy who lost eight pounds on that program one summer, and he’s definitely not the guy writing this column*.
ABY: Always Be Yachting.
Step 1 of Yachting: Make sure to use “yacht” as a verb because 1. It makes people think you’re not on a pontoon boat, and 2. It sounds luxurious.
Step 2 of Yachting: Put everyone’s phones in a plastic bag in a safe place on the boat.
And what happens when everyone’s phones are neatly tucked away? No one can post an unsightly photo of you from a bad angle that reveals your worst sides. If you look presentable on social media, you’ve pretty much already got it made. How many people do you actually interact with on a regular basis? Like, six? Seven? If you’ve slowly put on some winter poundage, chances are they haven’t even realized. It’s like watching a puppy grow up – you don’t realize they’re full-grown until they’re too big to sit on your lap but you just didn’t notice because you see them every damn day. But in this case, it’s with your stomach that took down somewhere between a thousand and a million microbrews during the colder months.
The less buttons you have done on your linen shirt, the better. I’m not saying leave it completely unbuttoned like Conor McGregor. I’m talking more in the vein of Leo in Wolf of Wall Street. If people can see your waistline, you’re already losing.
With just a few bottom deckers buttoned, you create a loose oversized look that leaves your body in no man’s land. And no man’s land is exactly where you want to be when you’re overweight. When you buy a shirt one size too large and start leaving it undone, you’re leaving everything to the imagination. Looking a little big in that group shot? Must’ve been a gust of wind billowing your shirt out. Win-win.
Retro-inspired swimsuits only.
I shouldn’t even have to say this for about a million other reasons, but sprint into your walk-in closet, open your drawer that contains your swimsuit collection, and throw away all your board shorts. Board shorts are public enemy number one of beer bellies, causing more spillage than a rogue wave hitting your Tiara that’s filled to capacity with friends and cocktails alike. Or mocktails, if that’s more your thing.
You need to replace every banded swimsuit with elastic waistbands and/or tailored waistlines. I’m talking Dickie-from-Talented–Mr.–Ripley-type stuff. There’s no give when it comes to the band on a pair of board shorts so the second you take down a few pops, you’re all of the sudden just spilling over the velcro and rope holding your body in. Meanwhile, the long inseam on a pair of board shorts makes your legs look stubby and small. The shorter the inseam, the longer (and leaner) you appear.
Tanning oil, tanning oil, tanning oil, tanning oil.
Sometimes I spritz a little tanning oil onto myself before hitting the office just so people think I just came back from vacation. It mixes well with my theory that running my oil-covered hand through my hair promotes adding a little blonde, thus creating the sun-kissed Zack Morris look the ladies lust for, but that theory remains unproven.
Like they always say: a little Banana Boat goes a long way. But like I always say: douse yourself in so much Banana Boat that innocent onlookers are blinded by the sun’s reflection on your chest. If they have to shield their eyes while in casual conversation with you, there’s no way they’ll be able to see the increasing amount of stretch marks you developed by completely letting yourself go during last football season.
As always — if you can’t tone it, tan it.
The best pick-up line is bronzed skin that smells like coconuts. Just ask Captain Ron. .
*It was the guy writing this column.
Image via YouTube